The Last Melon...

All the drama happening at the moment and along with the drama comes self-preservation and strength. I realise I can be hypocritical but I am slowly learning to deal with this and to channel my feelings in a different way.

This renewed sense of self-preservation has made me realise that the next time I write on here will also be my last. I need to move on from this and grow. The stuff that has been written in this blog is not me any more, and simply by reading previous posts dredges up of memories with such a force that it is unreal. I need to move on from all of this, and moving on means leaving this blog. Maybe I will start up another blog but who knows. For now, this is the end for this one.

So, so long my friends, this has helped and I am glad I started. However, some things need to end. This is one of them.

Stay happy people!!

xxLMxx

The Sun Shines Again, And Yes, I Know It Is Currently Raining...

Things are finally looking up. The air smells good, the sky looks brighter, and things just seem, well, better! Funny that all the change took was a change in medication. The previous ones failed to do the job they were meant to do, yet they succeeded in completely changing my personality. They made my highs lower and my lows even lower. Out came an constant flow of emotions, thoughts and feelings about things I thought I had worked out and buried. YaY...

At this point I must reiterate again, that I write on here, not for sympathy and pity or whatever feeling you may have towards it. I enjoy the fact that here I can write the rambliest of rambles, and the internet can simply swallow it up.

I've also come to the point in my life where I have to seriously think about my future. I am in the final term of university. This is it. If I can't redeem myself with exams, then that's it. Done. Crap. So what do I do then? Yes, I am applying for a further degree, and I have a scary-ass interview on monday, but is this what I seriously want to spend the rest of my life doing? Will I even cope with the stress of the job following? I mean the issue of the chronic headaches does come into its own here, maybe I'm pinning too many of my hope on the drugs making them go away. Or maybe I am simply scared of entering the real competitive world, especially as my area is brutal and takes no prisoners. Maybe I am thinking too much about it? Most probably yes. Damn all this pycho-mumbo-jumbo-crap.

Bleugh...

Well at least I have a functional home to get back to when uni finishes.. Hahahahah sure.. But I guess that's a ramble for another day eh?

xxLMxx

p.s. on a happier note, I just bought myself an address book!

The shared address book!

So.... Yeah, it has been a while and truthfully, I feel some kind of guilt about not writing on here that often anymore. Yes, I have been snowed under with work, yes I am in a much happier place, yes I still need to word vomit, so guess that leaves a little lazy?

So many things have changed in a good way, and it makes such an amazing change :D Well for one, the conundrum that took place last year is solved sorted and (insert own word beginning with s here). Yes it was touch and go for weeks, but S, D and I have sorted it all out and I happily got back together with D. And I do not regret this choice at all. Sickened yet? Throwing up in a bucket from the sickly cuteness? I don't blame you... I know it sounds so very cliche to say that you have never felt happier with someone, but I don't. And that's I'll-swear-on-your-mother honesty. In part, it scares me a little, but the bigger part cannot wait to see what will happen next, be it another holiday, another regular night in, a major step in our life together or the slightly dreaded though anticipated shared address book. Who knows! But the suspense is killing me ;) Yet I am happy to be patient as I have all the time in the world to find out...


Things are looking up

xxLMxx

Confessions part ....its been so long I don't know the number....

1) I haven't been on here for so long because am being a lazy writer

2) I am genuinely happy about my personal life

3) Family life is going down the *insert crass word here* but probably more on that at a later blog post

4) I am terrified about graduating and entering the real world

5) I am not sure why I said I would start up my own Brownies and Cub group whilst at uni, it is so very tiring

6) Daily headaches are a very depressing thing, the number of times I have had dark thoughts creep up because of them. 

7) But thank my lucky stars that I have D (see prev post) to help me clear the fog

8) I hate the fact that I have tried nearly all the medication they can give me to try to treat them, yet they still do not work

9) I am so excited about potentially starting a child's nursing degree course in 2013/14

10) I am starting my medical secretarial diploma partly because I want to get ahead of other graduates, partly to keep myself busy(-er)  and partly for attention seeking reasons

11) I am sick and tired of getting no respect from other members of the shooting club (committee members as well) 

12) I am feeling a lot better about the prospects of life to come 

13) Yet the fear of rejection still haunts me

14) Past events still haunt my present and my future and I just don't know what to do anymore....

xxLMxx

Fireworks Keep Going Off... Yet They No Longer Sparkle...

Loving my life right now. No really; it's full of stress, or work, of fucking drama. I have gotten so tired recently of constantly being the person to screw things up. I guess that is what makes me unique, being the near permanent fuck-up. 

Meet D and S. D an old ex, S is his best friend, The kicker? D and I are still fairly close, yet S and I have drifted closer together, having a "thing" going on. Yup. I am "seeing" my ex's best friend. Thing is, this would be fine if we weren't all (and others) thinking of living together for our last year. Fuck. So now, S and I have been given an ultimatum. Either we date and don't live in the same house, or we stop right away and possibly live in the same house, and we have to decide soon. Fabbity fabbity fab, but if they feel we have to make that decision then we have to make that decision. So, here's a bit of algebra;

a=house option including D and S and others

b=house option not including D and S but with others

a can only happen if S and I stop

b can only happen if S and I carry on

but, most want, b + a = slightly awkward situation if either stop or don't

Therefore, a+b = perfect only if I do not move in at all

Though I have yet to tell anyone of this plan yet. Though the thing is, I really want to continue this whatever-it-is with S but I'm scared of fucking up (again) royally. I know however that it will most probably slit up D and S, which would really upset me. I think I am going to apply to be a residents assistance in Halls for next year. Means I have a place to stay, to do my work, still be in uni, and not fuck anyone over/make things awkward within any house combination.

This whole thing is tearing me apart. Hope your life is better.

xxLMxx

The Two Face Façade is Safety Returns...

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees which means a new season, a new start. In theory. And its not only the weather that is getting colder...


I feel like a bit of a failiure at the moment. It has been months since I last wrote on here! I guess I was hoping if I don't write, then nothing is actually up. I don't have to admit to myself anything is wrong.


So where was I since I left off. Ah yes, The Breakup. Trololol looking back it all seems so stupid now. However, what happened had to be done. Yes it screwed me up for a while and I went on a whore-like spree for a few weeks after that, but its in the past. What happened happened and it can't be changed. Kind of glad I did what I did because now I just can't be bothered to get involved with anyone or do the chasing on purpose. That leads to hurt and hurt is bad... But oh wait, did I just say I can't be bothered to be involved with someone? My first BIIIIIIIG woop >.< 


I came home from uni at the end of May and got in contact with an old friend, AC. We decided to meet up in London to have a needed catch up. It may have been one of the best weekends I have had in London. The thing is, what happened between us that night sparked something off. It was so unexpected, so well, oh I don't know! I guess I always wanted something to happen between us, but never had the balls to do anything about it. For the whole summer we met up once a month either in London or at mine, chilling, catching up, getting a personal tour or a trip to the Tate Modern, being best friends in our "friends and lovers" situation during the day and well, you know... It was going so well, I forgotten how it felt falling. Then I left for my second year at uni. Things change when someone moves away, that has always been the case. Yes I would get an occasional phone call but now? Nada. I sent a message over fb last Sunday, and normally I would get a response of equal length by the Thursday or something. I got a message on Thursday. It was however simply a funny photo of the back of a condom packet. Fabulous. Yet another black hole I have sucked myself into. Though it was to be expected from me. Start getting attached to something, and it won't be long till your guts get pulled out through your navel...


Aaaaaaand on that note, I shall leave this spiel here. You probably want to throw this screen at the wall in frustration I bet? I know I do. But this would not be advisable. My regular therapy sessions are back. Not sure if this is a good thing or not yet... Laters y'all


xxLMxx

Start Again??

So we broke up. We had a good spell. I hope I havn't screwed you up.When I'm ready to know why, so shall you. Not that you really care anyway...

And the wheel of fortune has once again turned a complete circle. Back to Go.

xxLMxx

Letters

Hey Baby

Thought I would write you a letter cause, as you said earlier, I have a "large case of word vomit". That is probably because I have barely spoken to you all week. I know you said to take it slow, but how slow is slow? Is this slow enough? The barely talking, the barely seeing each other? I was told that I shouldnt be missing you, but you should be missing me instead. I guess I'm just scared that you haven't been missing me at all. Even when you've come back today, you have barely speoken to me, it's pretty much been a week since I have been around you properly without other people. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am such a mess at the mo, but it would kill me if I lost you. I'm an idiot I know. I guess it's nice to be noticed and looked after sometimes. I try and be there for you, but right now I need you. I'm just scared to ask for help. That would just make me look helpless and clingy.

I Love You

xxLMxx

Dear "friends"

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend by the beach. It was great to be invited! HA. Yeah, like you would invite someone who you don't actually like, just pretend to for the sake of the group. It's nice to be ignored, only getting invited to stuff if K of le bf are also coming and they ask me. It's nice to be stabbed in the back sometimes. I really do appreciate it. Here's hoping sometime, you will know what this feels like. I know that I have been a bit bitchy recently, but that was aimed at one girl. Apparently you lot got annoyed at the stuff I had been saying. I was not the only one that was saying though was I? Oh sorry don't you remember joining in too? We have now sorted this out and have moved on. Maybe it is time you do to. It's time for you to grow the fuck up. If you have a problem with me then tell me. Don't fucking ignore me.

Hope you are happy with yourselves

xxLMxx

Fuel Me, Watch It Burn

I hate not having some sort of quote to start this off.. It totally sucks ass. But I guess that sort of sums up my mood this week.

So I've been really stressing bout things this week. The work load is not fun, the fact that the assessments I'm getting now really mean a fair bit of the grades, I'm really worried bout hitting the right mark and well. I don't reaaaaaally have that much, juuust a test on thursday, a lab report for the next monday, article reviews fro the following monday, aaaaand a histology portfolio and three practical write-ups right before my 6 finals! Totally not pulling my hair out right now. Plus on top of that my body is ganging up on me. My knee injury is seriously playing up (which reminds me, have to phone a physio), the pill is messing me up-more than supposed to, everyone thinks I have an eating disorder, I nearly faint after a 30 min walk, I've had to stop athletics for a while... Gah! 

This is starting to feel like a proper sob story eh? I apologise, I don't mean it to be, I'm just having a rough time... Aaaaaaanyways....

But the point. Right. Well me being shighly strung, and not being able to de-stress, means that I've been taking it out accidentally on my friends. Now I got what I deserve, They've backed off of me, leaving me be, not including me. It serves me right for being a bitch. And I am so scared of losing my J to another girl who is so much better than me. I mean I don't deserve him as it is. He's the Settler, but maybe he needs to reach? I dunno, I just know I don't want to lose him. But if it means he's happier...

But my friend K and I had a heart to heart tonight. Well, actualy, I just cried tbh. Humiliating I know lol. But now, all the missunderstanding has been cleared up, hopefully I'll be less of a bitch. Maybe I'll be able to suck it up and relax more.

Maybe I'll get there (:

xxLMxx

Confessions II

"It's enough! I've done all I can think of. Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

1. I am highly stressed at the mo, what with deadlines n tests

2. Im really scared I will fail this year

3. Failing this year, means failing my family

4. I'm scared of that rejecion

5. I'm scared of being rejected by my boyfriend and friend

5a. I think I really love him.....

6. I don't think I care about whether L is still alive (stomach issues mentioned in previous posts)

7. I think I have a  slight eating disorder

8. I think an eating disorder may help me lose weight and get me thinner

9. I'm devestated that I didn't get onto the athletics comittee (as only girl that applied I'm sorry I let the side down)

10. I knew I wasn't going to get it as soon as I walked into the AGM meeting

11.I don't think I'm good enough

12. I wonder why people stick with me (unless it's to see the car crash)

13. I feeel like a spectator in everything I am involved in

14. I'm sick and tired of getting like this

15. I'm in a bit of a rut at the mo

16. I don't even know why I write on here anymore

This is my therapy

xxLMxx

Let the Good Times Roll!

"Last week was Valentine's Day. My boyfriend and I go to college far away from each other. He sent me a card. In the card he wrote "I love you more than these chocolates are delicious. I hope you enjoy them." so.....mr/mrs. mail carrier how delicious were MY chocolates? MLIA"

wow. It's been a while since I've been on here! I feel kinda bad for abandoning you for so long, but then I guess it means you can recover hahahahah. I would give excuses but you'd think them lame. They're mainly, I have been so busy doing work (I have a rediculous number of deadlines at the mo) or I havn't been spending may evening at my flat. Instead I've been spending many an eve with my gorgeous beau. Bless him ^^ Its lush though, since being with him, I feel so much happier, more carefree and secure. He makes me feel safe :) I realise that this will be completely new news!

Ahh tis so exciting ^^ I havn't felt like this in a while - it's so different to before. I like that, I really do :) I was worried at the beginning thinking, hoping, that this wouldn't be a fleeting thing. It doesn't feel like it at all. I love this feeling. I feel so safe around him, even falling asleep, it feels right and just, well, damn awesome. There I was thinking, this would never happen to me. Ever. I'm glad he has given me a chance. He also gave me a massive chance with the rents. That was a bit of a huge leap lol. Two meals and a weekend later, all was well, new alliances made, worries left behind. Laughter brings all together.

Good things happen after a great fall.

xxLMxx

Healing follows Damage

After what was said, I feel a part of me has died a little, I feel betrayed. There I was thinking you could be stronger than that. I will not bow down. I will not feel like I have been emotionally blackmailed by you. I am stronger than that.

xxLMxx

Slice of Frustration Pie Anyone?

"..Grasp every opportunity, hold onto the memories, but let go when they need to be released. Move over when they ask for room, but hold them close for comfort..."

So, yes, frustration is a big thing at the moment... I find it annoying that you've been given quite an ultimatum yet you proceed to disregard it. It's annoying that instead of slowing down the drinking, or stopping because it could kill you in a matter of hours, you brush it off saying "but I can't help it. I can't just have one drink, because when I do, I'm hooked, I need more. I'm gonna die eventually anyway." It's that complete lack of contol that scares me. Don't you care that others will be affected by this!? Don't you care that if you do end up in hospital fighting of dead, so many people will be devestaded!? You should care. I know this probably means nothing to you as drinking has always meant more than me but why can't you just stop for a bit. When you were here, the pain was fine. You had a few and the pain came back. You were nearly hospitalised when you went back home. Yes you were given medication for the ulcer but don't treat it like it's a complete and utter joke. Yes, it's all very well not trying to get depressed about it and trying too see the lighter side behind it, but for once be serious about it. Yes it won't go away, but stop saying that a few drinks won't hurt. They won't. They'll just kill you instead. You're my best friend. I don't want you to die soon from something stupid like alcohol. I'm scared for you and your addiction.

Rant over

xxLMxx

The End Of The Beginning? Or The Beginnning Of The End?

'We move fast, we move slow, we twist, we turn, we tumble.. But somewhere, sometime, the ride must stop eventually...'

So the first cut has been made, now to get going on the rest. Of the mental weeds mind, not anything else...but lets not travel down that route eh! I'm stubborn, I have to be able to do this on my own you know. I hate feeling dependant on him, he always tries fixing me, and now, I have to fix myself. It makes me feel week, helpless and just, well, stupid. I can't even help myself and yet I expect him to do it for me. I can't do that to him anymore, it feels like the only reason we are together is because he likes to fix me and for no other reason.. I know that sounds self-centred, selfish and insecure, but maybe I am. I need to figure myself out better first. I need to know myself better and understand myself better. Maybe then I can stop being selfish, and can stop focusing on my insecurities. Thats why it's done. I had to nip it at the not so bud-dy bud. It's not fair on him. I don't even know what I want anymore..

Here's to a fresh start for those who want one in this new coming year. And if you don't want a fresh start, then may your continuation be fruitfull and joyous. 

Much love

xxLMxx

"Happy Holidays You B*****d"

And with that, all we had, clutched in our tiny hands, dissapears into the fog of our imagination...

I return to my therapy.

Hasn't the past few weeks passed in a whirlwind fashion.. I'm so glad I somehow managed to keep my fuse dampened slightly. Otherwise things would have tits up :( Its strange though, as now I am home with y family and without him, it is beginning to shorten slightly again, even though it was mostly him that caused it in the first  place I think! I hate myself for thinking that but I can't help it. I am in one of those moods where I feel the need to pick apart all that is good in my life even though I am currently happy with it all. I've even gotten myself a new bit of metal to keep me happy (peircings make me feel confident about my body and in a strange way, their permamence gives me comfort.. go figure) and now I'm home, without the rush of uni work or work, I feel like someone that is able to think. I don't like it. Thinking puts seeds of doubt into my mind. \Without meaning to, these seeds develop into damned weeds that cannnot be controlled or tamed. They take a hold and I cannot escape. The devour me and I just want to be free from the pain and anguish of my mind.

I want to be free...and I want to burn the damned weeds... I just dont know how

xxLMxx

P.S. Hope your holidays are happier

Stressed? Nah, I Just Like Dreaming About Fears......

It's only recently that the nice dreams have ended. Now I either cant remeber them at all or like last night, they play on some fears... They also tend to have multiple setting yet all reflect my current worries and fears. Last night they were 3 main stories that I remember too well.

1- Watching my mother eat mouldy bread as they can't afford a fresh loaf

2- Being told to climb an unsteady up a steep mountainside with a massive drop under the ladder

3- Handing in important essays just before the deadline to discover they aren't even finished

I don't like this so far...

Go figure... I'm stressed out and worried.... I'm also a freak

xxLMxx

And the fuse begins to shorten. It can't be stopped, quickened or slowed down. It's not certain when it'll blow. But what is certain is that I'm scared of it. It ends up hurting me but also others around me, which hurts even more. 

I'm scared of the outcome of this one...

xxLMxx

Confused.com?

"...Im growing so disturbed, Nothing makes sense to me anymore, Im learning to resist, Becoming more than you ever were, Cant explain, whats come over me (come over me), Cant explain, why its so hard for me, So hard to see your side..."

I feel so torn right now, I'm confused and I'm not sure about anything anymore. I hate this state I'm in.It hurt and is distracting me from reality...

Well at least uni's going alright...

xxLMxx

Will The Sexy Cyberwomen Please Stand Up?

"...Holding on to you  To keep from falling Your eyes are closing now Another chapter's ending This is our last goodbye, This is our time tonight..."

Such an eventful week tis was! Okay, so that is a bit of a lie. Some courses has their reading weeks this week. Our course didn't get one (I know, cry for me lol). Instead we got a lab week! Can I hear a whoop!! Not. It really wasn't that exciting... We were in the lab for about 2 hours a day either looking down the microscope or make dilutions to work out protien concentrations. I must say was thrilling stuff! ... It picked up a bit though on weds eve. Went on a pub crawl with the shooting club; was awesome ^.^ even though was a little messy :) I'm confused now, I can't remember if I mentioned me shooting before... In case I have I'll mention it very briefly (in case I didn't... that makes sence in my head). But yes! About once a week, I'm bundled off in a car and we all go clay pigeon shooting! It's so much fun and I love it so much :) This is the first time I've been introduced to it but I seem to be picking it up alright :) I do break some so aaaall good ;) 

Then thursday. Thursday eve to be exact... It was eventful to say the least. There was an athletics social that I went to. Was fab :) Until the point when I dislocated my knee.

Luckily it popped back into place when I was pulled up by the bouncer, but owie!!! Was very fortunate to be given enough money for a taxi back to my flat but walking form the main road to my flat was a freaking mission and a half!! After suffering through the night, made an appointment at the medical centre to see what they would recommend. I was up from half 6 in the morning and my appointment was at half 11... Longest wait of my life. It was the doc that told me to go A&E and like a good girl i went. Luckily for me, the uni pays for the taxi trip there to the hosp. Was givena beautiful brace to surround my leg and ahve been reunited with my crutches.. Again can I hear a whoop? ...no...just no. Its such a horrible contraption I actually do look like a Dr Who cyberman XD Fantastic end to the week I think... At least they've given me nice strong painkillers :) Which reminds me, I need to get food to take 'em now.... The ironic thing about the shinanegans of thursday eve? The theme was "doctors and parients"... I dressed up as a patient...

Take care my dears... Oh, and happy halloween!

xxLMxx

I Miss Your Face....

"...Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever. Between you and me I could honestly say That things can only get better. And while I'm away, Dust out the demons inside, And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide..."

I miss last weekend. For the first time since I moved down here in september, I had my first visitor from home :) My baby, L came over to visit! Such a good weekend, got to properly relax since arriving and could set uni life aside for a short while... I hated seeing him go though...I want him back here so badly, but I can't afford to fall behind in studies... So yes, it is his face that I miss. Maybe. :) 

Sadly quite proud of myself though just because I managed to hand in my first essay a day early lol. It was such an interesting topic though. Our tutor let us pick our own topic, so I chose "Sexual Differentiation In Developing Humans" this is an embryonic stage mind. It is fascinating stuff! I didnt know before that the embryo starts off the same sexually regardless whether its a male of female (obviously starts the same but I mean the sex organs develop yet they are still the same)! It is only in the 7th week or there about that it starts changing accordingly and sex can possibly determined at around 11 weeks... But even then it can be wrong. The child could genetically be male but have female genitalia! Wierd, but really interesting... Now I just have to make a start on my next one... Its about techniques aiding in conception, not sure whether to write about humans or about cattle say. Hmm...

Ooooh and excitement! I have a job for just before Christmas. Nasty hours (10.30 pm to 2.30am) but decent pay and you get paid weekly. I'm a keyer for Royal Mail so basicly typing in the postcode of letters into a computer program. Should be fun. Not. It's a job and I really need the money. Having proper problems financially... I have about £190 left before my next student finance instalment comes though...in january Majorly screwed. And I can't ask my parents for help as they are screwed themselves. Dad is still unemployed (for past 6 months) and mum is barely scraping them through... At least I don't have to think about purchasing any more train/bus tickets home. Have sorted them all out now. Am coming home for Christmas for like two weeks and would be my first time home. I say would be, because managed to talk with my dad and I've organised a surprise trip home in November for my brothers birthday. Mum and bro know nothing of it, so should be interesting to see thier reactions! Tbh, my bro prob wouldn't care but he would when he learns that I have a present for him!

Aaaaanyway I shall end my rantings here for now and will let you get back to your much more interesting lives. I'm a bore I know :) I pride myself on it lol

Take care peeps! Hope y'all are well :)

xxLMxx