TheyTook My Ink Virginity! But Willingly Of Course

"...Just gonna stand there, And watch me burn, But that's alright  Because I like The way it hurts..."

So... I got my first bit of ink on tuesday!!! I'm so happy. They are 2 ancient egyptian symbols meaning 1; truth/moratlity/justice/balance and 2; protection. It has been done on my ribs and I was told that would be a bitch and it was a bit. Was better than I was expecting but it was still uncomfortable. But somehow, I have a feeling that uncomfortable feeling won't stop me...like piercings I will want more...gah but where the hell would I get the money for them!? 

So that kicked the day off to a good start, though I wasnt really expecting it to carry on well. I was to meet with L that day also, and so naturally I was worried thinking it would be awkward and honestly I didn't trust myself at all... Surprisingly, it was a really enjoyable day. Partially because I was still buzzing from the night before (I may have drank a little too much followed by 5hrs sleep so my liver didnt really have enough time to work properly..) and partially because I felt completely fine about how things had turned out between us. And I like karma now :) He isn't a fan of his new relationship. She has a two year old kid that keeps waking him up in the early mornings meaning he can't sleep properly and she is apparently very very jealous of any girl that even looks at him. I felt quite smug when he was talking to me about her, and I was surprised how he really didnt hold back on the critisism of their relationship either. I don't really get that, if you don't like it then why are you still together!? But hey. I shouldnt be pleased that it's not really working for him, yet...I thank the lord for sweet karma :)

And all is finally right in the world *wink*

Aaaah! I'm so excited about friday too. Going off to St. Brivals for two weeks to look after some little Polish brownies ^^ whoo! That will finally give me something to do lol as I'm so bored at the moment >< Ah well... Things are looking up I think, yay!

xxLMxx

"I don't fancy getting my hair wet today"

"...and I know that stillness shatters, we have always been frightened by the sound of footsteps on the pavement of our lives, I stand and fight, I'm not afraid to die..."

Monday was my first athletics session back on two feet. Gawd, have I missed it. I mean it must be a sign of good times ahead if I was consistently throwing the discus over or on 25m? A good release of pent up energy indeed (: It's something I've been needing. It is a constructive way of release energy and stress, and the only damage done is to the grass... I hope it will forgive me... 

After years of rebeling I finally decided to go swimming, and I mean the laps-and-on-own-so-not-much-chatting-going-on swimming. Oh the larks I had. It reminded me why I spent so long rebeling in the first place. I can't swim. I mean it, I really can't, I can float and kind of propel myself along. But, I'm only able to do this if I am within reaching distance of the rail at the side, and I have a small panic attack if I am unable to touch the bottom. I'm about as graceful and comfortable in the swimming pool as an elephant is quiet and small... But going does provide me with some entertainment. I went to the nice heated outdoor pool in Chesham and I felt a little out of place. The average age was 65 and I was the only female with wet hair... I kid you not, a woman and her friend swam past and all I caught was "oh, its starting to rain now... I might go in now, I don't really fancy getting my hair wet..." What are you doing swimming in a swimming pool then, of course your going to get wet!!!! I also found I have very little shame. When it comes to changing room ettiquete, there is none. You grab your stuff, put it on a bench get shower stuff 'n' towel and find a shower without slipping and breaking your back or leg. You start showering and you turn around to properly wash your hair and okaaaay naked people every where ...... eh stuff it *starts stripping* why not, I have nothing to hide (apart from a few peircings that some older women may feel are slightly offencive, but hey ho whatever...). I won't mention the fact that I started washing my hair with conditioner and not shampoo. Oh. Darn...

I've also decided to join the gym. I need to get fit again. You never know, there may also be some nice sweaty guys working out *wink* and the instructer thats giving the induction isn't all bad either *wink wink*

Don't worry y'all, I will finish off in a min. But I want to ask something. Why bother going to an athletics session if you plan on throwing for 20 min and then saying that your not going to throw any more today. I went to watch the javelin throwers for half the session, leaving the discus throwers to their own devices. I then wen to the discus throwers and then suddenly say they aren't throwing anymore. Yet they daren't move or go home, they stay by the cage and chat... I'm not too impressed. Maybe I overreacted slightly by closing the cage and telling them to leave if they aren't throwing, I don't know. Maybe I didn't overreact, maybe thats what people would normally do... I went to enjoy a nice coaching and throwing session, yet I left angry and tense not knowing why I went in the first place. Again, this face? Not impressed..

Aaanyways, I really will stop now, I have possibly killed you all off with this incessant rambling and nonscence. Take care everyone, heres to things getting better again...

xxLMxx

My leg is now free from its prison, now will my mind follow suit...

"...Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it..."

Recieved the best news concievable yesterday. My metatarsal has now fully healed and the stupid cast could be taken off for good, the bone graft had worked (about freaking time too!). After 3 solid months of my leg being immobalised in a cast, my leg is now free to feel the soft caress of the sun and and the slender fingers of the wind. Freedom has never tasted so good. You know what the great thing is? I feel much better as well. It's like, finally the butterfly has emerged from it's cocoon, leaving its previous life behind. Not that I'm comparing myself to a butterfly mind you, I mean I am, I'm just no way near as pretty or as gracefull. I just think that maybe things can really start going up and moving on for me now... Well lets hope that nothing else happens that will land me in another cast *touch wood*

And so thinking that things may finally be looking up, I was really looking forward to a hammer session I was to be taking today, with a specialised hammer coach (who was also a good friend and so I called in a favour). So I checked monday whether the tarck was free, made sure that the right people knew by wednesday what was happening today, sent e-ails and texts to all, him included, and only 2 people showed up. At least 4 others showed interest, including the hammer coach, M. Well not even M showed up. I received no text or phone call indicating his possible absence and so I had to take the session myself. I wanted to, but I'm not very good at hammer and so am not very confident in my teaching of it. Well, there isn't much I can say to that, other than I'm pissed that he didn't say anything to me and that to be fair, hasn't really helped to improve my faith and trust in men. *sigh* Fricking guys.. Sometimes I don't know why I bother... Grr... Not best pleased...

I guess life really is like a rollercoaster. I mean the initial journey up is slow but the view is a beautiful one. Then suddenly your taken down, with little or no explaination, other that it was going to happen eventually.. After the drop, you may climb up again slowly, or you may be led onto a series of twists, turns, corkscrews... None of it is expected, yet if you do see it coming then there is nothing you can do about it other than to brace yourself. Yes, it is an unpredictable and sometimes scary ride, but the thrill you get sometimes can not be compared. Damn the consequences and get on that ride, don't stand by the side looking up at it, as that way you will never find out what it is really like. Loosen your hair, and put your hands in the air like you just don't care...

xxLMxx

Think, Feel, Believe Then Act...

"Stand up and face the wind head-on. Stand tall and strong. Stand you ground and move for no-one but yourself. If you think it, feel it, the believe it. Once you believe it, then you can act on it..."

so I upload pictures of a glass I made, well decorated. Please write what you think and whether I should create a page of something... It gives me something to do I guess...

So, saturday. Jeeze, that was one strange evening. It was Rock Night so whatever was going to happen, it would be a good evening. What it entails is basicly going to the pub in uxbrige which gets very crowded very quickly having an awesome time in each others company with great loud and thrashy music with copious amounts of cheap alcohol. But this time it was strange. I mean the last time I went, 1-was in april, 2-I was in a relationship, 3-I was dressed up as a cat. Yes I know I'm wierd but hey, get over it. What I mean by strange, is that I felt like a spectator, detatched almost... It was good fun though, messing about with some mates, though then that started getting surreal. I think with guy mates, there is definately a line, ie one side being friendly the other being hit on. me and my guys mated tend to make that line blurry and undefined, but it is still strange if you know what I mean. I had such a laugh, which made me feel much better (though lets not mention the number of times I'd dug a few graves then gone and sat in them). But then I look over my shoulder and I see her eating his face and I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Who'd have thought one look could have bought down the mood the my eve so dramatically. I can't take it! Physically I feel strong, I can fight this, I can move past it, yet mentally I feel weak and defenceless... Ergh...

I should stop rambling now. It feels a bit much, though I feel slightly numb. Which is a prefered state for me I think. But anyway. My cast comes off on friday!!!!! I'm so excited. Anyways, take care all, hope you're well.

xxLMxx

"Reach for the stars, climb every mountain higher..."

"...Let's jump upon the sharp swords, And cut away our smiles,Without the threat of death, There's no reason to live at all, My world is unaffected, there is an exit here, I say it is and then it's true, There is a dream inside a dream, I'm wide awake the more I sleep..."

I don't know why but the louder and thrashier the music the calmer I feel. I cannot stand classical (although I could possibly be swayed...) maybe its because I feel that calm music is telling me "this is how you sould be feeling, peaceful and serene..." which I physically cannot do. It's when I do occasionally feel that, I get a little scared. Iits strange but I like feeling busy and a bit all over the place. I probably contradict myself when I say that feeling busy helps me forget about how I feel when I say all the time that I need to distinguish between all the jumbles of thoughts and feelings. I mean these past few days (apart from the end of exams-hallefeckingluyah) I've been quite glad of the triple birthday that came up. It mean that I could fully concentrate on making their presents without having these distracing feelings upsetting/distracting me. And they worked so well! the presents I mean. I bought them each a champagne glass and etched "18" into the front so its a nice frosted effect, and painted their initals onto it too. It was awesome fun, and I really want to make more! I was thinking about maybe selling some to whoever is interested in ordering some but I'm not sure if anyone will be interested... I may put up some photos and see what kind of responce (if any) there will be. hmmm....

Well at least their party went smoothly. It was 80/90's themed in a football club so there was always a chance it could have gone wrong. The music was fab taking me right back to primary school disco's *sigh*... And I love it how the clipple ie me dance pretty much non-stop for the entire 4 hours. What can I say, fabby music leads to lots of crazy dancing, even if you do still have a cast wrapped around one leg... So, back home at 12, up at 6.30 >.< and yes, me being me, I did forget to take my contact lenses out, again... Things couldn't get any worse.

Scrap that thought. They probably could. Tis rock night tonight and I can't wait!! And the fact that two guys who have expressed alot of interest in me are also coming. Get me pissed then I can deal with this rationally... Well at least it will make it a little more interesting eh? And I'm glad that my two besties will be there too. They will meake sure I don't end up slapping a certain someone. It still makes me ill to the core and I hate that it still effects me and yet not him! Bleugh, recovery will take longer that expected I think. I'm not impressed...

Anyway I will leave you all be now and will be my sorry ass off the computer. Hope your all well!!

xxLMxx

*dingding* Round 1 of the Second Match

"...I kick out the door, I look around and I see the same faces again of the people who tell me what I should do, and where I should go. The same advices to compromise. I'd rather break their necks right now, with empty words spilled over tears. Don't take me down..."

It's strange. I've done my exams. There is nothing more I can do, then why the hell am I panicing more about them now?? Is it because I've seen the papers and know I've done, well, not so well as I might have hoped? Or is it because I just need something to do with my spare time and panicing feels up that gap nicely? I don't know, there may be something else to it.. Though it would be interesting to hear your thoughts. Mind you, it's difficult to get people to voice an opinion if there is no-one there to voice it in the first place! Ho hum. That is life I guess. You never know how people feel/what they see/what they feel until you ask the right questions and prise it out of their stone cold hands. Looking back at this, I have no idea why I just wrote that last sentence, it just felt right to write it. So it shall stay. And people will look at this with confusion (if they can be bothered to read this in the first place) and I will sit back and watch it unfold, mwahaha. Teehee, just kidding!

But you know what? I think I'm now getting used to it. Used to him having moved on so gracefully I mean, whilst I do the completely ungraceful thing of falling flat on my arse in ice cold water (and let me tell you - that is not fun, I don't think I've ever been so embarassed on a school trip! Well other than the time when I threw up on the coach on the way to the trip ^^ but lets step over that with grace ^^ ha!). Aaaanyway.... But yeah. I mean it still makes me feel quite queasy (does that mean I'm really not over it!?) thinking about him and her together but I feel calmer about it. Maybe its the calm before the storm I don't know. Well at least he's now got a girl to fuck, and that position will nolonger be filled by me every time we go to his....>.< I'm a fool I know. And I know I keep saying that, but if I keep saying it then maybe it will wear away. Ha. Sure, and the govement cuts won't have any effect on me and the people around me....

I feel so tired. I can't be bothered to fight. But I have to keep trying because giving up means that I can't stand up for myself, that I have no opinion about things, that I'm spineless and a worthless excuse for a human. So lets show them that I am fighting, that I havn't given up because I'm not those things. Even if that minds masking certain things? Well, yes. Becuase these days, if you have a fault on show, you give them an excuse to stick thier crowbar into it and start wiggling it about. But if I may ask of you one thing. Feel free to tell me to grow up/suck it up if I do end up falling over and fail myself at any point. You have permission to be mean. I need tough love ^^ 

But I may be tired because I need sleep. Well, we shall see if sleep helps. Good night dear people.

xxLMxx

my heart isn't worth healing, it'll prob just get stamped on again...

"There was an owl that lived in an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard, now why can't we all be like the old bird?"

I feel sick, I really do, I've sopped eating properly and get random stabbing pains down my shoulder and in my torso and I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't help that exams are really stressing me out at the moment. I mean there are so many people out there who are worse off than me, and I know that I should stop dithering in the land of stupidness and should really get over myself. I mean I reaally should have moved on. I should have done what he has ie 3 weeks after our "I cant do this shit anymore" breakup, and gotten myself another guy. Ha. I can't be bothered with guys at all. They can't say what they mean and when they do say something meaningful and heartfelt it's all lies. Well they had to be lies seeing as he's found another girl to fuck. Well I hope they are happy together and that it lasts long. It means that there is a good reason not to go to each others houses, for something to happen. Well something always happens when we go to his. I won't elaborate, you can pretty much work it out.... Ergh, I just felt to ill when I found out, gawd I hate the net >.< 

Ho hum... life's a bitch and I should get over it, and as he told me, "I want you to heal". It's difficult to heal a broken heart and ripped confidence, but it's so much easier to rebuild defences and barriers. It's much easier. I know I will probably end up being more distant to some people but if it means that "I'll heal" then whatever... I don't even know what the fuck that even means!!! There is no point in healing it if it will get broken again. I was stupid and naive. But at least I've made him agree not to talk to her about me untill I leave for uni. He's talked to me about his ex'es and I don't want him talking about me like that whilst I'm still around y'know? He just knows too many things about me. I couldn't care less if he slanders my name once I'm gone, I'll be too busy to care. Ergh. Who am I kidding. I will always care. Anyone fancy slapping me silly so I can finally snap out of it?

xxLMxx