Confessions II

"It's enough! I've done all I can think of. Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

1. I am highly stressed at the mo, what with deadlines n tests

2. Im really scared I will fail this year

3. Failing this year, means failing my family

4. I'm scared of that rejecion

5. I'm scared of being rejected by my boyfriend and friend

5a. I think I really love him.....

6. I don't think I care about whether L is still alive (stomach issues mentioned in previous posts)

7. I think I have a  slight eating disorder

8. I think an eating disorder may help me lose weight and get me thinner

9. I'm devestated that I didn't get onto the athletics comittee (as only girl that applied I'm sorry I let the side down)

10. I knew I wasn't going to get it as soon as I walked into the AGM meeting

11.I don't think I'm good enough

12. I wonder why people stick with me (unless it's to see the car crash)

13. I feeel like a spectator in everything I am involved in

14. I'm sick and tired of getting like this

15. I'm in a bit of a rut at the mo

16. I don't even know why I write on here anymore

This is my therapy

xxLMxx

Let the Good Times Roll!

"Last week was Valentine's Day. My boyfriend and I go to college far away from each other. He sent me a card. In the card he wrote "I love you more than these chocolates are delicious. I hope you enjoy them." so.....mr/mrs. mail carrier how delicious were MY chocolates? MLIA"

wow. It's been a while since I've been on here! I feel kinda bad for abandoning you for so long, but then I guess it means you can recover hahahahah. I would give excuses but you'd think them lame. They're mainly, I have been so busy doing work (I have a rediculous number of deadlines at the mo) or I havn't been spending may evening at my flat. Instead I've been spending many an eve with my gorgeous beau. Bless him ^^ Its lush though, since being with him, I feel so much happier, more carefree and secure. He makes me feel safe :) I realise that this will be completely new news!

Ahh tis so exciting ^^ I havn't felt like this in a while - it's so different to before. I like that, I really do :) I was worried at the beginning thinking, hoping, that this wouldn't be a fleeting thing. It doesn't feel like it at all. I love this feeling. I feel so safe around him, even falling asleep, it feels right and just, well, damn awesome. There I was thinking, this would never happen to me. Ever. I'm glad he has given me a chance. He also gave me a massive chance with the rents. That was a bit of a huge leap lol. Two meals and a weekend later, all was well, new alliances made, worries left behind. Laughter brings all together.

Good things happen after a great fall.

xxLMxx

Healing follows Damage

After what was said, I feel a part of me has died a little, I feel betrayed. There I was thinking you could be stronger than that. I will not bow down. I will not feel like I have been emotionally blackmailed by you. I am stronger than that.

xxLMxx

Slice of Frustration Pie Anyone?

"..Grasp every opportunity, hold onto the memories, but let go when they need to be released. Move over when they ask for room, but hold them close for comfort..."

So, yes, frustration is a big thing at the moment... I find it annoying that you've been given quite an ultimatum yet you proceed to disregard it. It's annoying that instead of slowing down the drinking, or stopping because it could kill you in a matter of hours, you brush it off saying "but I can't help it. I can't just have one drink, because when I do, I'm hooked, I need more. I'm gonna die eventually anyway." It's that complete lack of contol that scares me. Don't you care that others will be affected by this!? Don't you care that if you do end up in hospital fighting of dead, so many people will be devestaded!? You should care. I know this probably means nothing to you as drinking has always meant more than me but why can't you just stop for a bit. When you were here, the pain was fine. You had a few and the pain came back. You were nearly hospitalised when you went back home. Yes you were given medication for the ulcer but don't treat it like it's a complete and utter joke. Yes, it's all very well not trying to get depressed about it and trying too see the lighter side behind it, but for once be serious about it. Yes it won't go away, but stop saying that a few drinks won't hurt. They won't. They'll just kill you instead. You're my best friend. I don't want you to die soon from something stupid like alcohol. I'm scared for you and your addiction.

Rant over

xxLMxx

The End Of The Beginning? Or The Beginnning Of The End?

'We move fast, we move slow, we twist, we turn, we tumble.. But somewhere, sometime, the ride must stop eventually...'

So the first cut has been made, now to get going on the rest. Of the mental weeds mind, not anything else...but lets not travel down that route eh! I'm stubborn, I have to be able to do this on my own you know. I hate feeling dependant on him, he always tries fixing me, and now, I have to fix myself. It makes me feel week, helpless and just, well, stupid. I can't even help myself and yet I expect him to do it for me. I can't do that to him anymore, it feels like the only reason we are together is because he likes to fix me and for no other reason.. I know that sounds self-centred, selfish and insecure, but maybe I am. I need to figure myself out better first. I need to know myself better and understand myself better. Maybe then I can stop being selfish, and can stop focusing on my insecurities. Thats why it's done. I had to nip it at the not so bud-dy bud. It's not fair on him. I don't even know what I want anymore..

Here's to a fresh start for those who want one in this new coming year. And if you don't want a fresh start, then may your continuation be fruitfull and joyous. 

Much love

xxLMxx

"Happy Holidays You B*****d"

And with that, all we had, clutched in our tiny hands, dissapears into the fog of our imagination...

I return to my therapy.

Hasn't the past few weeks passed in a whirlwind fashion.. I'm so glad I somehow managed to keep my fuse dampened slightly. Otherwise things would have tits up :( Its strange though, as now I am home with y family and without him, it is beginning to shorten slightly again, even though it was mostly him that caused it in the first  place I think! I hate myself for thinking that but I can't help it. I am in one of those moods where I feel the need to pick apart all that is good in my life even though I am currently happy with it all. I've even gotten myself a new bit of metal to keep me happy (peircings make me feel confident about my body and in a strange way, their permamence gives me comfort.. go figure) and now I'm home, without the rush of uni work or work, I feel like someone that is able to think. I don't like it. Thinking puts seeds of doubt into my mind. \Without meaning to, these seeds develop into damned weeds that cannnot be controlled or tamed. They take a hold and I cannot escape. The devour me and I just want to be free from the pain and anguish of my mind.

I want to be free...and I want to burn the damned weeds... I just dont know how

xxLMxx

P.S. Hope your holidays are happier

Stressed? Nah, I Just Like Dreaming About Fears......

It's only recently that the nice dreams have ended. Now I either cant remeber them at all or like last night, they play on some fears... They also tend to have multiple setting yet all reflect my current worries and fears. Last night they were 3 main stories that I remember too well.

1- Watching my mother eat mouldy bread as they can't afford a fresh loaf

2- Being told to climb an unsteady up a steep mountainside with a massive drop under the ladder

3- Handing in important essays just before the deadline to discover they aren't even finished

I don't like this so far...

Go figure... I'm stressed out and worried.... I'm also a freak

xxLMxx