Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down (even if they are bigger...)

"...Stay strong no time to feel weak, wake up it's time to look deep, don't wait 'till the end of time..."

So the induction has begun, and ohhhh dear. Why am I here? I feel incredibly stupid around all these people that have obviously deserved to get onto this course. Looking at the modules and info about coursework/essays/assessments, I am royally screwed up the ass if you pardon the phrase. I've been told that this is how everyone feels and that it gets better but I have some real doubts. The thing is, this is what I love doing, its so interesting, yet I could barely get through a practical session without nearly bursting into tears of emmbarassment. I felt so sick. I don't know if I can do it.

But thing is, I have to. I can't give up. I must be stronger than this. What's the phrase that holds truth? The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. I'm sure I've felt this way before as well, so this may just be a record stuck on repeat... But there are some things that bring back a sort of amnesia. It's like trying to recall what amount of pain you were in when you broke something or (not in my case but I've heard) trying to recall the amout of pain you were in during childbirth years ago. Some things are not possible to recall, and its the levels of emotion that cannot be descrided again. Even the methods in which it was controlled and how effective it is is difficult. This urge to fight even though I feel incredibly shite must be a repeat, with me it must be. I just can't remember what I did. I'm not sure what to do to make it better. The fact that I'm miles away from my man and family makes it harder too. I guess I should have thought about that earlier eh?

Man, and everyday, its spending money on booze either at a pub/club or for home. I can't be bothered to be honest. I'm going to conform to a scientists stereotype and retreat safely to my room and brood. I'm sad I know... I do not have the energy at the momento. As this week has been going on, I've been feeling lower and lower. It's ridiculous I know, I was looking forward to this for ages! What the hell is wrong with me!? Fuck knows... In that case I will retreat to the kitchen and much on biccies with my flat mates :)

Yes I am abandoning you for biscuits. I apologise. You'll be glad to be rid of me ^^ *salutes*

xxLMxx

Those Two Words....

"...Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say, And nothing else matters. Yeah, trust I seek and I find in you, Every day for us something new, Open mind for a different view, And nothing else matters..."

Been at Uni since Sunday now, and I must say I was absolutly bricking it. Know why? The fear of the Unknown. Why is it that that terrifies everyone so much? If we don't know about it, then it can't harm us, it can't hurt us. Therefore all is good. But what if its not good? If not all is well at all? What if it goes horribly wrong? What if I end up alone? What if.... I could go on. But I'll spare you.But did you see the key phrase, the phase that is the bane of our lives? What If. Two of some of the smallest words (ok, thats a slight lie) but they carry so much. Yet unlike "I Love You" these two cannot be missread, missinterpreted, or missused. But they can be used too much. You need someone to tell you to stop using them, as you get so worked up. Do we listen? No. We can't help it, it's in our nature to assume the worst. It's a terrible design fault. Yet, when you assume the worst, don't you get a fabulous feeling when things go so much better? Assume the worst and you get a nice surprise (or nothing changes), or assume the best and become dissapointed (or nothing changes). What would you honestly prefer? I know which I would choose. But is there an option for assuming the worst without any of the proper panicky feelings? I guess not eh? Dayum...

I assumed the worst on Sunday...the day improved quite a bit. I feel so at home here, just comfortable with everything around me. And the people are fab. Making new friends was one thing aspect of starting something new I found the hardest. My confidence drops and I get shy. Some flat mates were in the kitchen. I somehow managed to get my face on nice and quick and sounded faily confident. Well I say confident. I actually made a right prat out of myself :P Now I have to pretend I know what I'm doing so as not to look out of place...  Though looking back, I'm not sure if it was a face... The big wide world is scary..... Again the Unknown creeps back to haunt us again....

But as usual, we learn to deal with it and we carry on like alll is well.... Problems are swept under, to be delt with when it gets too much. The story of my life..

xxLMxx

Oh Crapski...

"...I will not die, I'll wait here for you, I feel alive, when you're beside me. I will not die, I'll wait here for you,In my time of dying..."

Wow It's been quite a while since I've written something... Well for you, probably not. You'll look at this and think, "Oh gawd, not again, someone shut her up." I don't mind to be honest, I think the same thing sometimes :) but the occasional bout of verbal diarrhoea is good I think ;)

So September is finnally upon us. By this time next week, I will no longer be home. Instead I will be at Plymouth University probably thinking what on earth made me come to university... So yes! I'm leaving on saturday, staying in a hotel overnight with the family, ready to move into my accommodation the next day. It's going to be a difficult time. Settling in, making new friends, getting used to a new environment and style of learning/teaching. Oh, and how could I neglect to mention this. L and I are back together again. I'm sure many people may groan, but I'm glad we are back. I'm sure that I sound like a hypocrite if I was to look back on what I have previously said, but it's amazing how attitudes change with a new situation. All is forgiven and we are more than prepared to make this long-distance thang work :) I would be lying if I said the whole thing didn't scare me, boy does it. I'm just more willing to put that feeling aside and concentrate on the other feelings I've got going on ^.^

For instance, I am shitting bricks (if you'll excuse the phrase) about the finance side. The day after I move in (13th) I am immediately -477 pounds in the red. I get my student loan on the 20th. Screwed royaly XD Ho hum. It's all part of student life isn't it? Hmmm... Heres to surviving the next few days *raises glass*

xxLMxx