23 January, 2013

The Last Melon...

All the drama happening at the moment and along with the drama comes self-preservation and strength. I realise I can be hypocritical but I am slowly learning to deal with this and to channel my feelings in a different way.

This renewed sense of self-preservation has made me realise that the next time I write on here will also be my last. I need to move on from this and grow. The stuff that has been written in this blog is not me any more, and simply by reading previous posts dredges up of memories with such a force that it is unreal. I need to move on from all of this, and moving on means leaving this blog. Maybe I will start up another blog but who knows. For now, this is the end for this one.

So, so long my friends, this has helped and I am glad I started. However, some things need to end. This is one of them.

Stay happy people!!


10 January, 2013

The Sun Shines Again, And Yes, I Know It Is Currently Raining...

Things are finally looking up. The air smells good, the sky looks brighter, and things just seem, well, better! Funny that all the change took was a change in medication. The previous ones failed to do the job they were meant to do, yet they succeeded in completely changing my personality. They made my highs lower and my lows even lower. Out came an constant flow of emotions, thoughts and feelings about things I thought I had worked out and buried. YaY...

At this point I must reiterate again, that I write on here, not for sympathy and pity or whatever feeling you may have towards it. I enjoy the fact that here I can write the rambliest of rambles, and the internet can simply swallow it up.

I've also come to the point in my life where I have to seriously think about my future. I am in the final term of university. This is it. If I can't redeem myself with exams, then that's it. Done. Crap. So what do I do then? Yes, I am applying for a further degree, and I have a scary-ass interview on monday, but is this what I seriously want to spend the rest of my life doing? Will I even cope with the stress of the job following? I mean the issue of the chronic headaches does come into its own here, maybe I'm pinning too many of my hope on the drugs making them go away. Or maybe I am simply scared of entering the real competitive world, especially as my area is brutal and takes no prisoners. Maybe I am thinking too much about it? Most probably yes. Damn all this pycho-mumbo-jumbo-crap.


Well at least I have a functional home to get back to when uni finishes.. Hahahahah sure.. But I guess that's a ramble for another day eh?


p.s. on a happier note, I just bought myself an address book!

20 December, 2012

The shared address book!

So.... Yeah, it has been a while and truthfully, I feel some kind of guilt about not writing on here that often anymore. Yes, I have been snowed under with work, yes I am in a much happier place, yes I still need to word vomit, so guess that leaves a little lazy?

So many things have changed in a good way, and it makes such an amazing change :D Well for one, the conundrum that took place last year is solved sorted and (insert own word beginning with s here). Yes it was touch and go for weeks, but S, D and I have sorted it all out and I happily got back together with D. And I do not regret this choice at all. Sickened yet? Throwing up in a bucket from the sickly cuteness? I don't blame you... I know it sounds so very cliche to say that you have never felt happier with someone, but I don't. And that's I'll-swear-on-your-mother honesty. In part, it scares me a little, but the bigger part cannot wait to see what will happen next, be it another holiday, another regular night in, a major step in our life together or the slightly dreaded though anticipated shared address book. Who knows! But the suspense is killing me ;) Yet I am happy to be patient as I have all the time in the world to find out...

Things are looking up


19 December, 2012

Confessions part ....its been so long I don't know the number....

1) I haven't been on here for so long because am being a lazy writer
2) I am genuinely happy about my personal life
3) Family life is going down the *insert crass word here* but probably more on that at a later blog post
4) I am terrified about graduating and entering the real world
5) I am not sure why I said I would start up my own Brownies and Cub group whilst at uni, it is so very tiring
6) Daily headaches are a very depressing thing, the number of times I have had dark thoughts creep up because of them. 
7) But thank my lucky stars that I have D (see prev post) to help me clear the fog
8) I hate the fact that I have tried nearly all the medication they can give me to try to treat them, yet they still do not work
9) I am so excited about potentially starting a child's nursing degree course in 2013/14
10) I am starting my medical secretarial diploma partly because I want to get ahead of other graduates, partly to keep myself busy(-er)  and partly for attention seeking reasons
11) I am sick and tired of getting no respect from other members of the shooting club (committee members as well) 
12) I am feeling a lot better about the prospects of life to come 
13) Yet the fear of rejection still haunts me
14) Past events still haunt my present and my future and I just don't know what to do anymore....


04 November, 2011

Fireworks Keep Going Off... Yet They No Longer Sparkle...

Loving my life right now. No really; it's full of stress, or work, of fucking drama. I have gotten so tired recently of constantly being the person to screw things up. I guess that is what makes me unique, being the near permanent fuck-up. 

Meet D and S. D an old ex, S is his best friend, The kicker? D and I are still fairly close, yet S and I have drifted closer together, having a "thing" going on. Yup. I am "seeing" my ex's best friend. Thing is, this would be fine if we weren't all (and others) thinking of living together for our last year. Fuck. So now, S and I have been given an ultimatum. Either we date and don't live in the same house, or we stop right away and possibly live in the same house, and we have to decide soon. Fabbity fabbity fab, but if they feel we have to make that decision then we have to make that decision. So, here's a bit of algebra;
a=house option including D and S and others
b=house option not including D and S but with others

a can only happen if S and I stop
b can only happen if S and I carry on
but, most want, b + a = slightly awkward situation if either stop or don't
Therefore, a+b = perfect only if I do not move in at all

Though I have yet to tell anyone of this plan yet. Though the thing is, I really want to continue this whatever-it-is with S but I'm scared of fucking up (again) royally. I know however that it will most probably slit up D and S, which would really upset me. I think I am going to apply to be a residents assistance in Halls for next year. Means I have a place to stay, to do my work, still be in uni, and not fuck anyone over/make things awkward within any house combination.

This whole thing is tearing me apart. Hope your life is better.


17 October, 2011

The Two Face Fa├žade is Safety Returns...

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees which means a new season, a new start. In theory. And its not only the weather that is getting colder...

I feel like a bit of a failiure at the moment. It has been months since I last wrote on here! I guess I was hoping if I don't write, then nothing is actually up. I don't have to admit to myself anything is wrong.

So where was I since I left off. Ah yes, The Breakup. Trololol looking back it all seems so stupid now. However, what happened had to be done. Yes it screwed me up for a while and I went on a whore-like spree for a few weeks after that, but its in the past. What happened happened and it can't be changed. Kind of glad I did what I did because now I just can't be bothered to get involved with anyone or do the chasing on purpose. That leads to hurt and hurt is bad... But oh wait, did I just say I can't be bothered to be involved with someone? My first BIIIIIIIG woop >.< 

I came home from uni at the end of May and got in contact with an old friend, AC. We decided to meet up in London to have a needed catch up. It may have been one of the best weekends I have had in London. The thing is, what happened between us that night sparked something off. It was so unexpected, so well, oh I don't know! I guess I always wanted something to happen between us, but never had the balls to do anything about it. For the whole summer we met up once a month either in London or at mine, chilling, catching up, getting a personal tour or a trip to the Tate Modern, being best friends in our "friends and lovers" situation during the day and well, you know... It was going so well, I forgotten how it felt falling. Then I left for my second year at uni. Things change when someone moves away, that has always been the case. Yes I would get an occasional phone call but now? Nada. I sent a message over fb last Sunday, and normally I would get a response of equal length by the Thursday or something. I got a message on Thursday. It was however simply a funny photo of the back of a condom packet. Fabulous. Yet another black hole I have sucked myself into. Though it was to be expected from me. Start getting attached to something, and it won't be long till your guts get pulled out through your navel...

Aaaaaaand on that note, I shall leave this spiel here. You probably want to throw this screen at the wall in frustration I bet? I know I do. But this would not be advisable. My regular therapy sessions are back. Not sure if this is a good thing or not yet... Laters y'all


21 March, 2011

Start Again??

So we broke up. We had a good spell. I hope I havn't screwed you up.When I'm ready to know why, so shall you. Not that you really care anyway...

And the wheel of fortune has once again turned a complete circle. Back to Go.