Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down (even if they are bigger...)

"...Stay strong no time to feel weak, wake up it's time to look deep, don't wait 'till the end of time..."

So the induction has begun, and ohhhh dear. Why am I here? I feel incredibly stupid around all these people that have obviously deserved to get onto this course. Looking at the modules and info about coursework/essays/assessments, I am royally screwed up the ass if you pardon the phrase. I've been told that this is how everyone feels and that it gets better but I have some real doubts. The thing is, this is what I love doing, its so interesting, yet I could barely get through a practical session without nearly bursting into tears of emmbarassment. I felt so sick. I don't know if I can do it.

But thing is, I have to. I can't give up. I must be stronger than this. What's the phrase that holds truth? The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. I'm sure I've felt this way before as well, so this may just be a record stuck on repeat... But there are some things that bring back a sort of amnesia. It's like trying to recall what amount of pain you were in when you broke something or (not in my case but I've heard) trying to recall the amout of pain you were in during childbirth years ago. Some things are not possible to recall, and its the levels of emotion that cannot be descrided again. Even the methods in which it was controlled and how effective it is is difficult. This urge to fight even though I feel incredibly shite must be a repeat, with me it must be. I just can't remember what I did. I'm not sure what to do to make it better. The fact that I'm miles away from my man and family makes it harder too. I guess I should have thought about that earlier eh?

Man, and everyday, its spending money on booze either at a pub/club or for home. I can't be bothered to be honest. I'm going to conform to a scientists stereotype and retreat safely to my room and brood. I'm sad I know... I do not have the energy at the momento. As this week has been going on, I've been feeling lower and lower. It's ridiculous I know, I was looking forward to this for ages! What the hell is wrong with me!? Fuck knows... In that case I will retreat to the kitchen and much on biccies with my flat mates :)

Yes I am abandoning you for biscuits. I apologise. You'll be glad to be rid of me ^^ *salutes*

xxLMxx