Fireworks Keep Going Off... Yet They No Longer Sparkle...

Loving my life right now. No really; it's full of stress, or work, of fucking drama. I have gotten so tired recently of constantly being the person to screw things up. I guess that is what makes me unique, being the near permanent fuck-up. 

Meet D and S. D an old ex, S is his best friend, The kicker? D and I are still fairly close, yet S and I have drifted closer together, having a "thing" going on. Yup. I am "seeing" my ex's best friend. Thing is, this would be fine if we weren't all (and others) thinking of living together for our last year. Fuck. So now, S and I have been given an ultimatum. Either we date and don't live in the same house, or we stop right away and possibly live in the same house, and we have to decide soon. Fabbity fabbity fab, but if they feel we have to make that decision then we have to make that decision. So, here's a bit of algebra;

a=house option including D and S and others

b=house option not including D and S but with others

a can only happen if S and I stop

b can only happen if S and I carry on

but, most want, b + a = slightly awkward situation if either stop or don't

Therefore, a+b = perfect only if I do not move in at all

Though I have yet to tell anyone of this plan yet. Though the thing is, I really want to continue this whatever-it-is with S but I'm scared of fucking up (again) royally. I know however that it will most probably slit up D and S, which would really upset me. I think I am going to apply to be a residents assistance in Halls for next year. Means I have a place to stay, to do my work, still be in uni, and not fuck anyone over/make things awkward within any house combination.

This whole thing is tearing me apart. Hope your life is better.

xxLMxx

The Two Face Façade is Safety Returns...

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees which means a new season, a new start. In theory. And its not only the weather that is getting colder...


I feel like a bit of a failiure at the moment. It has been months since I last wrote on here! I guess I was hoping if I don't write, then nothing is actually up. I don't have to admit to myself anything is wrong.


So where was I since I left off. Ah yes, The Breakup. Trololol looking back it all seems so stupid now. However, what happened had to be done. Yes it screwed me up for a while and I went on a whore-like spree for a few weeks after that, but its in the past. What happened happened and it can't be changed. Kind of glad I did what I did because now I just can't be bothered to get involved with anyone or do the chasing on purpose. That leads to hurt and hurt is bad... But oh wait, did I just say I can't be bothered to be involved with someone? My first BIIIIIIIG woop >.< 


I came home from uni at the end of May and got in contact with an old friend, AC. We decided to meet up in London to have a needed catch up. It may have been one of the best weekends I have had in London. The thing is, what happened between us that night sparked something off. It was so unexpected, so well, oh I don't know! I guess I always wanted something to happen between us, but never had the balls to do anything about it. For the whole summer we met up once a month either in London or at mine, chilling, catching up, getting a personal tour or a trip to the Tate Modern, being best friends in our "friends and lovers" situation during the day and well, you know... It was going so well, I forgotten how it felt falling. Then I left for my second year at uni. Things change when someone moves away, that has always been the case. Yes I would get an occasional phone call but now? Nada. I sent a message over fb last Sunday, and normally I would get a response of equal length by the Thursday or something. I got a message on Thursday. It was however simply a funny photo of the back of a condom packet. Fabulous. Yet another black hole I have sucked myself into. Though it was to be expected from me. Start getting attached to something, and it won't be long till your guts get pulled out through your navel...


Aaaaaaand on that note, I shall leave this spiel here. You probably want to throw this screen at the wall in frustration I bet? I know I do. But this would not be advisable. My regular therapy sessions are back. Not sure if this is a good thing or not yet... Laters y'all


xxLMxx

Start Again??

So we broke up. We had a good spell. I hope I havn't screwed you up.When I'm ready to know why, so shall you. Not that you really care anyway...

And the wheel of fortune has once again turned a complete circle. Back to Go.

xxLMxx

Letters

Hey Baby

Thought I would write you a letter cause, as you said earlier, I have a "large case of word vomit". That is probably because I have barely spoken to you all week. I know you said to take it slow, but how slow is slow? Is this slow enough? The barely talking, the barely seeing each other? I was told that I shouldnt be missing you, but you should be missing me instead. I guess I'm just scared that you haven't been missing me at all. Even when you've come back today, you have barely speoken to me, it's pretty much been a week since I have been around you properly without other people. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am such a mess at the mo, but it would kill me if I lost you. I'm an idiot I know. I guess it's nice to be noticed and looked after sometimes. I try and be there for you, but right now I need you. I'm just scared to ask for help. That would just make me look helpless and clingy.

I Love You

xxLMxx

Dear "friends"

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend by the beach. It was great to be invited! HA. Yeah, like you would invite someone who you don't actually like, just pretend to for the sake of the group. It's nice to be ignored, only getting invited to stuff if K of le bf are also coming and they ask me. It's nice to be stabbed in the back sometimes. I really do appreciate it. Here's hoping sometime, you will know what this feels like. I know that I have been a bit bitchy recently, but that was aimed at one girl. Apparently you lot got annoyed at the stuff I had been saying. I was not the only one that was saying though was I? Oh sorry don't you remember joining in too? We have now sorted this out and have moved on. Maybe it is time you do to. It's time for you to grow the fuck up. If you have a problem with me then tell me. Don't fucking ignore me.

Hope you are happy with yourselves

xxLMxx

Fuel Me, Watch It Burn

I hate not having some sort of quote to start this off.. It totally sucks ass. But I guess that sort of sums up my mood this week.

So I've been really stressing bout things this week. The work load is not fun, the fact that the assessments I'm getting now really mean a fair bit of the grades, I'm really worried bout hitting the right mark and well. I don't reaaaaaally have that much, juuust a test on thursday, a lab report for the next monday, article reviews fro the following monday, aaaaand a histology portfolio and three practical write-ups right before my 6 finals! Totally not pulling my hair out right now. Plus on top of that my body is ganging up on me. My knee injury is seriously playing up (which reminds me, have to phone a physio), the pill is messing me up-more than supposed to, everyone thinks I have an eating disorder, I nearly faint after a 30 min walk, I've had to stop athletics for a while... Gah! 

This is starting to feel like a proper sob story eh? I apologise, I don't mean it to be, I'm just having a rough time... Aaaaaaanyways....

But the point. Right. Well me being shighly strung, and not being able to de-stress, means that I've been taking it out accidentally on my friends. Now I got what I deserve, They've backed off of me, leaving me be, not including me. It serves me right for being a bitch. And I am so scared of losing my J to another girl who is so much better than me. I mean I don't deserve him as it is. He's the Settler, but maybe he needs to reach? I dunno, I just know I don't want to lose him. But if it means he's happier...

But my friend K and I had a heart to heart tonight. Well, actualy, I just cried tbh. Humiliating I know lol. But now, all the missunderstanding has been cleared up, hopefully I'll be less of a bitch. Maybe I'll be able to suck it up and relax more.

Maybe I'll get there (:

xxLMxx

Confessions II

"It's enough! I've done all I can think of. Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same"

1. I am highly stressed at the mo, what with deadlines n tests

2. Im really scared I will fail this year

3. Failing this year, means failing my family

4. I'm scared of that rejecion

5. I'm scared of being rejected by my boyfriend and friend

5a. I think I really love him.....

6. I don't think I care about whether L is still alive (stomach issues mentioned in previous posts)

7. I think I have a  slight eating disorder

8. I think an eating disorder may help me lose weight and get me thinner

9. I'm devestated that I didn't get onto the athletics comittee (as only girl that applied I'm sorry I let the side down)

10. I knew I wasn't going to get it as soon as I walked into the AGM meeting

11.I don't think I'm good enough

12. I wonder why people stick with me (unless it's to see the car crash)

13. I feeel like a spectator in everything I am involved in

14. I'm sick and tired of getting like this

15. I'm in a bit of a rut at the mo

16. I don't even know why I write on here anymore

This is my therapy

xxLMxx

Let the Good Times Roll!

"Last week was Valentine's Day. My boyfriend and I go to college far away from each other. He sent me a card. In the card he wrote "I love you more than these chocolates are delicious. I hope you enjoy them." so.....mr/mrs. mail carrier how delicious were MY chocolates? MLIA"

wow. It's been a while since I've been on here! I feel kinda bad for abandoning you for so long, but then I guess it means you can recover hahahahah. I would give excuses but you'd think them lame. They're mainly, I have been so busy doing work (I have a rediculous number of deadlines at the mo) or I havn't been spending may evening at my flat. Instead I've been spending many an eve with my gorgeous beau. Bless him ^^ Its lush though, since being with him, I feel so much happier, more carefree and secure. He makes me feel safe :) I realise that this will be completely new news!

Ahh tis so exciting ^^ I havn't felt like this in a while - it's so different to before. I like that, I really do :) I was worried at the beginning thinking, hoping, that this wouldn't be a fleeting thing. It doesn't feel like it at all. I love this feeling. I feel so safe around him, even falling asleep, it feels right and just, well, damn awesome. There I was thinking, this would never happen to me. Ever. I'm glad he has given me a chance. He also gave me a massive chance with the rents. That was a bit of a huge leap lol. Two meals and a weekend later, all was well, new alliances made, worries left behind. Laughter brings all together.

Good things happen after a great fall.

xxLMxx

Healing follows Damage

After what was said, I feel a part of me has died a little, I feel betrayed. There I was thinking you could be stronger than that. I will not bow down. I will not feel like I have been emotionally blackmailed by you. I am stronger than that.

xxLMxx

Slice of Frustration Pie Anyone?

"..Grasp every opportunity, hold onto the memories, but let go when they need to be released. Move over when they ask for room, but hold them close for comfort..."

So, yes, frustration is a big thing at the moment... I find it annoying that you've been given quite an ultimatum yet you proceed to disregard it. It's annoying that instead of slowing down the drinking, or stopping because it could kill you in a matter of hours, you brush it off saying "but I can't help it. I can't just have one drink, because when I do, I'm hooked, I need more. I'm gonna die eventually anyway." It's that complete lack of contol that scares me. Don't you care that others will be affected by this!? Don't you care that if you do end up in hospital fighting of dead, so many people will be devestaded!? You should care. I know this probably means nothing to you as drinking has always meant more than me but why can't you just stop for a bit. When you were here, the pain was fine. You had a few and the pain came back. You were nearly hospitalised when you went back home. Yes you were given medication for the ulcer but don't treat it like it's a complete and utter joke. Yes, it's all very well not trying to get depressed about it and trying too see the lighter side behind it, but for once be serious about it. Yes it won't go away, but stop saying that a few drinks won't hurt. They won't. They'll just kill you instead. You're my best friend. I don't want you to die soon from something stupid like alcohol. I'm scared for you and your addiction.

Rant over

xxLMxx