A fresh start??

"What you've got boy is hard to find, Think about it all about it all the time, I'm all strung up my heart is fried, I just can't get you off my mind"

And my mind really should be full of physics equations, chemical mechanisms and biology stuff, and not full of things to do to you. Dayum boy....;) Ah well, it makes for a nice distraction. Well like the whole bank holiday weekend... I really should have been revising hard, but instead went to 3 different shopping centers buying lots of gorgeous underwear from Ann Summers lol. I feel bit bad but hey, underwear never fails to cheer me up.

*sigh* I feel much lighter now though. Had a big rant at L. and now I feel so much better, like a massive wieght has been lifted off my shoulders. And so, all is good, everything has been mopped up (well almost) and I feel so much beeter, with a bit more energy- who'd have thought! Each day seems a lil' better than the last although it is raining today.

Friday was a great day. I got the all clear from the hospital. Well not quite all clear, but I got told that my break is healing at last, and so now I can wieght bare(sp). And the best news? It is coming off in 6 weeks!!!

People might think that I'm really stupid for forgiving him so easily and returning to what we were, a couple, yet it feels so right and so good to be with him. But you know what, screw other people. I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else.

On a side note, which should I get done first? Small tattoo of the egyptian symbol 'sa', a conch piercing, or a belly piercing? Please comment....

xxLMxx

New Beginnings? maybe...

"I found myself in wonderland. Get back on my feet again. Is this real? Is this pretend? I'll take a stand until the end. I'll get by, I'll survive"

I realised that I probably sound really sorry for myself, and quite pathetic really. And I am, I mean cant even tell people what's on my mind. Am I really that spineless that I let people walk all over me? Unfortunately yes. I know how that sounds, but acceptance is one of the steps to recovery I guess. I find it difficult to express myself verbally to people and so I guess writing it down on here helps me. I admit that if I find fault in my friends or if they really bug me, then I do nothing "I'll get by". I find that I only deal with things when they become too much.

Are they becoming too much now? Because my feeling are so mixed at the moment. Yes I still feel really hurt, yet... Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused because I still love him? Or don't want him to give up completely without a fight? During a conversation last night, he said he wasn't going to take me back again, he wasn't going to give himself to anyone ever again because he fuck's it all up apparently. I admit I felt sick. Is that because I might never be with him again, because I still love him? Or is it because the security of being in a safe and secure relationship is now gone.

During our several months together, we had broken up a handful of times, each time getting back because it felt right to be together. He says it was his fault each time, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm a forgiving and understanding person. But I'm not confontational. I'm just not able to say whats on my mind, I find it easier to listen to others and aid them. I can't aid myself. I believe it's because of this inability for me to talk about my problems - to stand up fr myself even, that these breaks occured. He needs someone strong and someone who can stand u for themselves, not someone who is spineless and gutless. In that case should probably let him go but... But, that stupid word, signalling an unfinished thought, and my mind is full of those. Even when I have enough courage to speak about whats bothering, I keep stuttering and stumbling over my words occassionally bursting into tears, so it seems like whatever is bothering me seems much, much greater. In fact I'm probably doing this now, making a mountain out of a mole hill... I mean he probably finds it frustrating, like he's running round in circles and that he has to tread softly in fear of me crying again. I can't help it that I do. I care too much about things, I'm far too soft and nee dhardening up. Hence, he needs someone stronger, so maybe it's a good thing we won't be together, but the 'never' still makes me feel queasy. I don't need this right now, I mean I have my A2's in a few weeks!! GAH!

T.T I dont have the energy any more. But I've got to find enough so that I stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Here's to a new start eh?

xxLMxx

The fool I am

"Since day we broke up I know it was a bad choice I never should have made, I always push people away I love dearly and never ever learnt how to deal with it, and I love you so damn much...coz you mean everything to me, I can see us two fucking growing old and I miss and care for you so much that I dont know what I'll do with out you..."

Oh I think we both now know what you'd do.

I was an idiot to believe...

powerful emtions at play

Well at least I know the tarot card has some truth in it.... Not that I really want it too, but what you want to happen and what actually happens are two very different things.

My last entry ended with me saying I dont want to be hurt by someone I love. Well that didn't last long. So, the title of my blog; no 1- tick, no 2- waiting, again. I had been healed with words before, the wound healed and fixed with stitches. But stitches are temporary, with the wound being too easy to re-open, and the pain returns. I just dont have any energy left, any fight left in me. I realise that this time the new pain might not have been my own doing, but it feels like it was my fault. If... if... God, that stupid word! I hate hindsight so much. It tears me up inside.

And there is nothing I can do about it. I mean, I can hardly forget about it and move on. My support and offer of help of any kind has been made clear, but I dont know how much I can handle, I don't think I'm strong enough for them let alone myself.

I'm trying not to sound so sorry for myself, believe me. Writing shit helps me understand things so I apologise to you for having to trail through all this shit...

And so on that I will shut up and leave you be. I just wish this pain and sadness will leave too... Here's to hope.

xxLMxx

unseen fears....

"There is a purpose in beauty. If the world were purely functional, it would have no purpose, because it would merely exist to sustain its own pointless existance. But since the world is a beautiful place, it has meaning. The world was created to be beautiful to please its Creator, who is Himself a truly wonderful being."

Yes, it has a meaning, but why is it that we can never tell what this is? Its because of beauty that we make both good and bad choices. And I guess that that is the purpose of life, making decisions that can settle on either side. Learning from both the good and the bad means that, in turn, we can ultimately become better people. In my case I wish it were so. I'm not trying to be pessimistic on purpose or trying to get sympathy, it's simply how I feel. Everything I do leads to some sort of loss in comunication with others. Well you'd have thought that 2 years of friendship would have ment something to some. I guess not, seeing as me calling her name whilst being direcly infront of her didn't evoke a single reaction. Ok, ok, 2 years isnt that long... how about several. Yes, people change, but surely one person doesnt change so much that eveeryone remeins close friends and yet you are the one being ignored and such.

What a wonderful world we live in...hmmm....of this I have to be convinced fully. I can convince others successfully, my advise being tailored for them well, yet, why can't I convince myself? For example if my best friend is having trouble with her man, then I have no problem sitting down with her for hours on end , talking and helping in any way I can. So why is it I can't sit down and help, well, me? Try as I might though, me telling myself that someone did not reply a goodnight text because they probably had no credit is somehow not working.

Also why is it that when you trust somone fully, with your life, yet you are still scared of fully letting go again. I have many fears, most of which are along the lines of being abandoned by those who you love or being hurt badly by them. I have been hurt, and so maybe thats why I'm scared. Yet being reasured calms the mind yet the heart is still restless and seeks more. I just want to get rid of the feeling of being scared. Only time can help I guess, as well as those few thought out and meaningful words.

xxLMxx

...tricky stuff...

A wise person wrote; "hmmmm just think.. people say words cant hurt you ect.. but they sure can change things .. like saying.. you have a job.. will you marry me.. will you go out with me.. why can words have that much power just by saying things.. because just think if you say things to someone eveyone has a little bit of power to just make or break people :)" Well he's quite wise and also very right. One word can make the world of difference, like 'I love you' or 'I hate you'. One change, one whole new meaning. But it's not just one word, its also the entire sequence of words too. English really is a wonderful language. So many yet so few words really make it count. They also make things awfully confusing.

It pains me to think about the number of times where my use of these words has hurt people badly. Last year for instance, I said yes to a guy that asked me out. First mistake. I say this because I had never met the guy before. A tip for those who read this; avoid dating people you have just met at parties, especially if your feeling a bit desperate. Well, actually looking back, I didnt ask for him to follow me outside when I said I needed air after 20 min of manic dancing! Well, that was a successful relationship....hmm. Yes I did hurt him badly, I never knew the words 'look I dont feel comfortable anymore with us going out, please can we be friends' could wound people deeply. From that one reaction, I have become wiser with my choice of words, but I still cannot properly forgive myself this...

Also it's interesting how people choose their moments. Friends are great healers, and some may become so much more. But then it gets slightly wierd if lots want to be that more. Men are like buses. Though in this case, none in sight for years, then they all arrive at once. Not great. Though I count myself lucky. I chose the right guy.

Though things start getting to the confusing part when good friends start expressing interest as soon as you decide to take a breather. The fact that these feeling come out thick and fast and then are never mentioned again, hang on what!? What am I even supposed to say to that, erm thanks, but I don't even like you in that way we are friends and could only be friends? That just wouldn't do. Being that blunt would cut someone to pieces, especially someone who has been cut time and time again by girls. Well, that puts me in a wonderful position. One with my arm tied behind my back. I really shouoldn't ignore this, but I can't start a conversation with, 'the last time we spoke, you came out with all these feelings for me, but the last time we saw each other was October, and we've only met twice. I can't do this it just isnt right'. Hmm I'm sure that would go down a treat... Contined silence or out with it straight? I ask you for advice for either way it would cause pain and pain I dont want to be the cause of...

Though at least tomorow is a day to look forward to. My mans birthday and my decision said out loud. I said I dont want to be the cause of pain, but I admit I have been. I offloaded insecurities, writing reams in a text- a personal release. A release it was, into the world of sent messages. And I think you can guess to whom. We both find it hard to let people in and start pulling away when people get tooclose- a technique learned and previously tested. But by pulling away, somehow we found us moving even closer than before, becoming happier and happier every time. This makes our relationship seem so fragile, but to me the fragility makes it seem even more special, even more beautiful. The quote was from this very man. For him, the words please take me back mean the world to me and yet I feel the need to make him wait for my decision. Is this cruel or the right thing to do, ensuring the right decision is made, though in my heart, it would forever be the right decision. The simple words 'i do' can make this right. So so right.

I have faith in this.

xxLMxx

scream and shout it out! Just try not to scare people

Well I guess there is a first time for everything, each with its correct time and place. It seems as if this is now the time to write. I have never done this before, a new experience which is slightly daunting yet exciting and fresh. Daunting becaue I am worried that this may just turn into a huge rant, which I don't want to happen. But, we all know that words heal broken souls. Well, we shall see wont we. In any case, I apologise in advance dear reader, (if you are out there somewhere). And, by the by, I can be a bit sarcastic, so do beware, I don't have to hold my tongue any more :)

Well, what is there to say... I have a very confusing circle of friends, some confusing, others confused, and the rest utterly awesome. Well that about sums it up. Well, not quite otherwise why would I be starting this great adventure. But I suppose they form the basis, but if I do ramble and moan, then I'll make sure I stop myself, though I find talking/writing about things helps me understand better. Also the fact that I am currently housebound might have something to do with this.

Why you ask? (not that you're really bothered) My foot is currently encased in a lovely graffitied red fiberglass cast. Wonderfull.... It's only been on a month and I wish it gone! It's a shame that it's got another two months left. Woohoo, lets have a party. Not. I feel lucky to have a body that loves me so, a body that cant even heal a boken bone! Well, I feel proud to have already been under the knife twice (please no more I beg you!) with scars to show for it with a brand new screw each time- yes an extra bit of metal, in addition to the other 8, (commonly known as peircings). But its amazing what can happen when you jump 6 inches during a dance lesson. Ah well, c'est la vie!

Well 'C'est la vie' pretty much sums it up. Why, we do not know, but it happens. Deal with it! Get on with your life! Live a life full of awe and excitement, with craving for more adventure, knowlegde and wonder. Now, lets see where this particular road goes. I can't wait to find out.....

x LM x