Well at least I know the tarot card has some truth in it.... Not that I really want it too, but what you want to happen and what actually happens are two very different things.
My last entry ended with me saying I dont want to be hurt by someone I love. Well that didn't last long. So, the title of my blog; no 1- tick, no 2- waiting, again. I had been healed with words before, the wound healed and fixed with stitches. But stitches are temporary, with the wound being too easy to re-open, and the pain returns. I just dont have any energy left, any fight left in me. I realise that this time the new pain might not have been my own doing, but it feels like it was my fault. If... if... God, that stupid word! I hate hindsight so much. It tears me up inside.
And there is nothing I can do about it. I mean, I can hardly forget about it and move on. My support and offer of help of any kind has been made clear, but I dont know how much I can handle, I don't think I'm strong enough for them let alone myself.
I'm trying not to sound so sorry for myself, believe me. Writing shit helps me understand things so I apologise to you for having to trail through all this shit...
And so on that I will shut up and leave you be. I just wish this pain and sadness will leave too... Here's to hope.
xxLMxx
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