New Beginnings? maybe...

"I found myself in wonderland. Get back on my feet again. Is this real? Is this pretend? I'll take a stand until the end. I'll get by, I'll survive"

I realised that I probably sound really sorry for myself, and quite pathetic really. And I am, I mean cant even tell people what's on my mind. Am I really that spineless that I let people walk all over me? Unfortunately yes. I know how that sounds, but acceptance is one of the steps to recovery I guess. I find it difficult to express myself verbally to people and so I guess writing it down on here helps me. I admit that if I find fault in my friends or if they really bug me, then I do nothing "I'll get by". I find that I only deal with things when they become too much.

Are they becoming too much now? Because my feeling are so mixed at the moment. Yes I still feel really hurt, yet... Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused because I still love him? Or don't want him to give up completely without a fight? During a conversation last night, he said he wasn't going to take me back again, he wasn't going to give himself to anyone ever again because he fuck's it all up apparently. I admit I felt sick. Is that because I might never be with him again, because I still love him? Or is it because the security of being in a safe and secure relationship is now gone.

During our several months together, we had broken up a handful of times, each time getting back because it felt right to be together. He says it was his fault each time, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm a forgiving and understanding person. But I'm not confontational. I'm just not able to say whats on my mind, I find it easier to listen to others and aid them. I can't aid myself. I believe it's because of this inability for me to talk about my problems - to stand up fr myself even, that these breaks occured. He needs someone strong and someone who can stand u for themselves, not someone who is spineless and gutless. In that case should probably let him go but... But, that stupid word, signalling an unfinished thought, and my mind is full of those. Even when I have enough courage to speak about whats bothering, I keep stuttering and stumbling over my words occassionally bursting into tears, so it seems like whatever is bothering me seems much, much greater. In fact I'm probably doing this now, making a mountain out of a mole hill... I mean he probably finds it frustrating, like he's running round in circles and that he has to tread softly in fear of me crying again. I can't help it that I do. I care too much about things, I'm far too soft and nee dhardening up. Hence, he needs someone stronger, so maybe it's a good thing we won't be together, but the 'never' still makes me feel queasy. I don't need this right now, I mean I have my A2's in a few weeks!! GAH!

T.T I dont have the energy any more. But I've got to find enough so that I stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Here's to a new start eh?

xxLMxx