...tricky stuff...

A wise person wrote; "hmmmm just think.. people say words cant hurt you ect.. but they sure can change things .. like saying.. you have a job.. will you marry me.. will you go out with me.. why can words have that much power just by saying things.. because just think if you say things to someone eveyone has a little bit of power to just make or break people :)" Well he's quite wise and also very right. One word can make the world of difference, like 'I love you' or 'I hate you'. One change, one whole new meaning. But it's not just one word, its also the entire sequence of words too. English really is a wonderful language. So many yet so few words really make it count. They also make things awfully confusing.

It pains me to think about the number of times where my use of these words has hurt people badly. Last year for instance, I said yes to a guy that asked me out. First mistake. I say this because I had never met the guy before. A tip for those who read this; avoid dating people you have just met at parties, especially if your feeling a bit desperate. Well, actually looking back, I didnt ask for him to follow me outside when I said I needed air after 20 min of manic dancing! Well, that was a successful relationship....hmm. Yes I did hurt him badly, I never knew the words 'look I dont feel comfortable anymore with us going out, please can we be friends' could wound people deeply. From that one reaction, I have become wiser with my choice of words, but I still cannot properly forgive myself this...

Also it's interesting how people choose their moments. Friends are great healers, and some may become so much more. But then it gets slightly wierd if lots want to be that more. Men are like buses. Though in this case, none in sight for years, then they all arrive at once. Not great. Though I count myself lucky. I chose the right guy.

Though things start getting to the confusing part when good friends start expressing interest as soon as you decide to take a breather. The fact that these feeling come out thick and fast and then are never mentioned again, hang on what!? What am I even supposed to say to that, erm thanks, but I don't even like you in that way we are friends and could only be friends? That just wouldn't do. Being that blunt would cut someone to pieces, especially someone who has been cut time and time again by girls. Well, that puts me in a wonderful position. One with my arm tied behind my back. I really shouoldn't ignore this, but I can't start a conversation with, 'the last time we spoke, you came out with all these feelings for me, but the last time we saw each other was October, and we've only met twice. I can't do this it just isnt right'. Hmm I'm sure that would go down a treat... Contined silence or out with it straight? I ask you for advice for either way it would cause pain and pain I dont want to be the cause of...

Though at least tomorow is a day to look forward to. My mans birthday and my decision said out loud. I said I dont want to be the cause of pain, but I admit I have been. I offloaded insecurities, writing reams in a text- a personal release. A release it was, into the world of sent messages. And I think you can guess to whom. We both find it hard to let people in and start pulling away when people get tooclose- a technique learned and previously tested. But by pulling away, somehow we found us moving even closer than before, becoming happier and happier every time. This makes our relationship seem so fragile, but to me the fragility makes it seem even more special, even more beautiful. The quote was from this very man. For him, the words please take me back mean the world to me and yet I feel the need to make him wait for my decision. Is this cruel or the right thing to do, ensuring the right decision is made, though in my heart, it would forever be the right decision. The simple words 'i do' can make this right. So so right.

I have faith in this.

xxLMxx