*dingding* Round 1 of the Second Match

"...I kick out the door, I look around and I see the same faces again of the people who tell me what I should do, and where I should go. The same advices to compromise. I'd rather break their necks right now, with empty words spilled over tears. Don't take me down..."

It's strange. I've done my exams. There is nothing more I can do, then why the hell am I panicing more about them now?? Is it because I've seen the papers and know I've done, well, not so well as I might have hoped? Or is it because I just need something to do with my spare time and panicing feels up that gap nicely? I don't know, there may be something else to it.. Though it would be interesting to hear your thoughts. Mind you, it's difficult to get people to voice an opinion if there is no-one there to voice it in the first place! Ho hum. That is life I guess. You never know how people feel/what they see/what they feel until you ask the right questions and prise it out of their stone cold hands. Looking back at this, I have no idea why I just wrote that last sentence, it just felt right to write it. So it shall stay. And people will look at this with confusion (if they can be bothered to read this in the first place) and I will sit back and watch it unfold, mwahaha. Teehee, just kidding!

But you know what? I think I'm now getting used to it. Used to him having moved on so gracefully I mean, whilst I do the completely ungraceful thing of falling flat on my arse in ice cold water (and let me tell you - that is not fun, I don't think I've ever been so embarassed on a school trip! Well other than the time when I threw up on the coach on the way to the trip ^^ but lets step over that with grace ^^ ha!). Aaaanyway.... But yeah. I mean it still makes me feel quite queasy (does that mean I'm really not over it!?) thinking about him and her together but I feel calmer about it. Maybe its the calm before the storm I don't know. Well at least he's now got a girl to fuck, and that position will nolonger be filled by me every time we go to his....>.< I'm a fool I know. And I know I keep saying that, but if I keep saying it then maybe it will wear away. Ha. Sure, and the govement cuts won't have any effect on me and the people around me....

I feel so tired. I can't be bothered to fight. But I have to keep trying because giving up means that I can't stand up for myself, that I have no opinion about things, that I'm spineless and a worthless excuse for a human. So lets show them that I am fighting, that I havn't given up because I'm not those things. Even if that minds masking certain things? Well, yes. Becuase these days, if you have a fault on show, you give them an excuse to stick thier crowbar into it and start wiggling it about. But if I may ask of you one thing. Feel free to tell me to grow up/suck it up if I do end up falling over and fail myself at any point. You have permission to be mean. I need tough love ^^ 

But I may be tired because I need sleep. Well, we shall see if sleep helps. Good night dear people.

xxLMxx

my heart isn't worth healing, it'll prob just get stamped on again...

"There was an owl that lived in an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard, now why can't we all be like the old bird?"

I feel sick, I really do, I've sopped eating properly and get random stabbing pains down my shoulder and in my torso and I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't help that exams are really stressing me out at the moment. I mean there are so many people out there who are worse off than me, and I know that I should stop dithering in the land of stupidness and should really get over myself. I mean I reaally should have moved on. I should have done what he has ie 3 weeks after our "I cant do this shit anymore" breakup, and gotten myself another guy. Ha. I can't be bothered with guys at all. They can't say what they mean and when they do say something meaningful and heartfelt it's all lies. Well they had to be lies seeing as he's found another girl to fuck. Well I hope they are happy together and that it lasts long. It means that there is a good reason not to go to each others houses, for something to happen. Well something always happens when we go to his. I won't elaborate, you can pretty much work it out.... Ergh, I just felt to ill when I found out, gawd I hate the net >.< 

Ho hum... life's a bitch and I should get over it, and as he told me, "I want you to heal". It's difficult to heal a broken heart and ripped confidence, but it's so much easier to rebuild defences and barriers. It's much easier. I know I will probably end up being more distant to some people but if it means that "I'll heal" then whatever... I don't even know what the fuck that even means!!! There is no point in healing it if it will get broken again. I was stupid and naive. But at least I've made him agree not to talk to her about me untill I leave for uni. He's talked to me about his ex'es and I don't want him talking about me like that whilst I'm still around y'know? He just knows too many things about me. I couldn't care less if he slanders my name once I'm gone, I'll be too busy to care. Ergh. Who am I kidding. I will always care. Anyone fancy slapping me silly so I can finally snap out of it?

xxLMxx

wow so the bumbling baffons actually won something!!

"I want to adjust the depth of my control rod in your reactor core to alter the speed of our reaction"

Doing revision of nuclear stuff was so worth it to get a line like that. I feel very proud of myself (yes my life is that fulfilling at the moment that I find something dirty in nuclear physics). But yes, for those that don't know/care control rod depth controls the rate of fission reactions in a nuclear reactor. It's probably on wikipedia if you're cool and check it out (or simply have time on your hands, that would be my excuse anyway). 

Well, I found it funny anyway....

So the overplayed "sports men" actually won something! At least the money they are being paid can be justified. Actually, no. Scrap that. They are still a waste of money, the stupid overpaid bumbling baffons.... I mean, I'm sorry but they really don't need all that money, I mean a book on spelling "simple maths for KS2" or "learning to read" really doesnt cost that much. And how hard is it to run with the ball and score!? I really can't comment on that though- I'm an asthmatic. But it takes so much more training to shoot a gun and train for the army and how much are they being paid? Now compare that with salaries of "talented" footballers. 

So the toll of British soldiers dead reached 300 now. Well thats not as high as people are making it out to be. Open your eyes you stupid polititians! How many people have been seriously injured/lost limbs/sacrificed everything. Too many. And what do they get in return? A gracious kick in the teeth. Yes the dead should be honoured, but do not forget the brocken ones that have been cast aside. Mourn them as well, as the majority cannot do again what they have done to protect your fat cat arses. This whole shabang makes me angry and its draining but I am in such awe of these men. Those that live to tell the tale, though especially those who cannot carry on the story, have given up so much. Now it's our turn to to repay them. Thats a debt that the government will find difficult to repay. 

xxLMxx

A new talent discovered!

"..."No time for goodbyes", he said, as he faded away. "Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away. Don't hide your mistakes, 'cause they'll find you, burn you alive"..."

The talent? Screwing things over for friends relationship. All I was trying to do was to be there for them, and try and help. It's not fault, you interpreted it how you did...and so now I have the right to feel like shit. 

Right, what happened was this; friend 1 wrote on "I'm bored" as his fb status (thrilling stuff I know, its sat me on the edge of my seat -.-' ) I wrote saying well do my chem revision- I had a bitch of an exam the next day. The convo carried on, and I was letting off a lot of stressful steam. I admit the convo was a lil bit flirty to those that don't know me very well, but  we were both mucking about, like we do, and I have absolutely no romantic inclination towards him. His gf saw this and bought it up and was telling him how flirty it sounded. They started to fight and she got upset. Further status' were not happy ones. I asked what was up (I had no idea that this was because of me because I was simply being myself). We started talking on chat and she accused me of flirtling and all I could do was reasure her that was not my intention and she mentioned the fact that they had fought over this. I decided to send him a private message saying that he shouldn't be mad at heer, see it from her point of view etc and that you can talk to me if you want to blah blah blah. So at the same time as I was talking to her, I was also talking to him. At the end I exhanged no with both of them. yesterday eve, I sent him a text asking if all was ok now. He texted back, and it turned out that apparently I had given him the right no, and her the wrong one (although she could have taken i down wrong who knows, so obv, I took the blame) she was pissed at me that I hadn't replied to her text which she sent (I had never gotten any) and apparently they had fought again because they were together when I sent the message and she didn't know where he had gotten my no from. To top it all, she also didn't know that I was also messaging him, and so she gets more stressed more paranoid etcetc. So inorder to prove that there was nothing going on between us I had to sent her the entire convo I had with him.

Gawd some people need to relax a little! But at least she is strong enough to voice her opinion. I am not. I have to voice them on here instead...not that thats a bad thing, I'm just not a very confrontational person. At least those two can fight for each other, to be together. Me and L couldn't do that. If he didn't like something he broke it off. Whenever we expressed our love, either written, said or other, a few weeks later we would have broken up then a week later we were back together. We just don't know how to fight for each other. I really did try, but I'm not strong enough, I can never find the energy. So maybe we weren't suited for each other, maybe our feelings were lying to us and we were never ment to be... This is why I don't like feeling. Feeling ensures that my heart is left in the gutter, and I don't have it in me to pick it up and look after it anymore. I just need to repair my inner defences as best I can, and make sure that no-one can find the existing cracks.

Also what confuses me, is that people of the same sex can have dirty jokes, banter, whatever really, but as soon as you swap one for the opposite sex, things are immediately different, insecurities become apparent. I don't think I am threatening at all, I just like a good laugh is all, is that such a crime!? o.O I should just shut up and not say anything to anyone anymore, maybe I will make a really shit councellor, and so should burn that idea... It seems whenever I open my fat gob, everything goes tits up.

On a happier note though, I got my conch done on sat, that totals nine peircings :)

xxLMxx

Confessions

• I hate confessions (I'm a R.C. wtf I know)
• I'm scared about lots of things even though I appear the opposite to people.
• I'm terrified of spiders
• I'm scared of rejection
• I'm scared of failing, from computer games to my exams to my family...
• I can be a difficult person to read, yet I am trusted by so many people
• I find it very difficult to open up - it's different opening up to the faceless internet, compared with people
• I'm a little addicted to peircings. I currently have 8, and have got 4/5 more planned for when I earn money
• I find it difficult to trust others though earn trust easily
• I'm frightened about not getting over L and not being able to move on
• I'm scared I'm not strong enough for people
• I want my own loving family with a loving husband and a few kids
• I would love to becoune a trained councellor
• I have contemplated suicide, though I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it
• I tend to wallow in self-pity 
• I loath myself sometimes
• I love harcerstwo, though I dont have any energy left to fight, so I'm glad I'm not going on zlot
• I worry constantly about fitting in with friends
• I feel more comfortable exchanging crass comments with my guy friends than talking to my girl mates about clothes/guys/make-up
• I love coaching althletics. It brings me such enjoyment when 'my' athletes succeed where I have failed
• I don't have the energy to fight with people though I do have the energy to keep pushing myself
• I always put myself down
• I always think the worst will happen in situations/in peoples replies, just to I can feel the rush of happiniess when things go right
• I am very insecure
• I always think about what I could have done to make things better (my situation with L/harcerskie zbiorki/athletics sessions) and so I fail to see where I went right
• I am terrified of being alone
• I ramble too often...

xxLMxx

What's the use in hope? I want action...

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head, I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead, I know what's best for me, But I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time..."

Pahah wow I sound pathetic don't I?

And I suppose I am... Well to an extent? Ah who am I kidding. I mean, for goodness sake, I cut it off for good with my good friend (with benefits) because I had hope. Yes, the feeling hope. Ok, so this friend (with benefit) was my on-off boyfriend of 6/7 months and we did have pretty amazing chemistry. Well this time, I got hope because we spent 3 hrs 'together' even though we aren't a couple and I was told that we just couldn't be after exams and shit. And I thought, well this feels soo good and so right then why not, what could go wrong. Ha. It was on the train home that I started thinking that maybe there was a chance of us again later on. Well, that aint gonna happen is it, regardless of it feeling right and near perfect... I can't be a little bit more than friends but less than an official 'item' and feel detatched. That's just not me! I'm too attatched and that feeling won't be reciprocated out loud again, so I have to get out, it's choking me...

Gawd. I mean, it's amazing want the term boyfriend/girlfriend does to ya. As soon as you interchange them with the phrase 'friends with benefits' everything changes. But the thing is, WHF? You still do all the same stuff together, hang out etcetc, yet, something happens, and why is that? Is it because now suddenly the feeling of detachment can be intoduced, and you can still eye up the opposite sex without the guilty feeling? I thought of myself capable, but clearly I'm not. There are somethings I can't handle, and detatchment in an intimate relationship is something I just can't hack. Does this mean I would be a good girlfriend for future guys, or that I will just be hurt over and over. I didn't think I was this fragile (in emotional terms) but obviously I am, and how I wish I were a stronger person.

Haha, thinking back now, most of these entries are full of crap about me feeling sorry for myself. I really don't feel like this all the time, trust me. I guess, it's just easier to write down things that are getting me down on here and then I can sort them out much easier. I mean even now, after writing this babble, I'm feeling better and less, well, pessimistic.

But, for you readers, I will stop beating myself up as much and will drag my sorry ass out of this pit of self-deprication (yes I am capable of long words heheh) and will dump it onto the road of self-worth and strength (along side a little sadness due to forthcoming exams, then again, who feel happiness towards them!?).

So yes, for now, my task is to think positive (or at least more so) and to sprint over the hurdles that are exams and revision. I think thats enough to be getting on with don't you think?

xxLMxx

P.S. becoming a nun...too drastic an action for avoiding the confusion that is men??

You feel like giving up... but what's the point?

"I wake up in the mornin', Put on my face, The one that's gonna get me, Through another day,Doesn't really matter, How I feel inside, This life is like a game sometimes. Then you came around me, The walls just dissapeared, Nothin' to surround me, Keep me from my fears, I'm unprotected, See how I've opened up(oh), You've made me trust..."

I don't know how many of you remember that song, but I find it really strikes a chord, especially with all the goings on around me this past year in particular. It's quite sad actually how much I can relate to this song, just reading it makes me feel, not nescessarily one emotion. Just makes me feel.... Honestly, I don't like feeling too much. It makes me feel vunerable. So, by feeling numb (-er) and indifferent helps heal whats been broken. It's just frustrating when the wounds are pulled apart gently allowing yourself to feel again by someone you hold close, and then are just left gaping, the reason being "..so I'm stopping it while it's ahead...I'm just saving you from the hurting and pain..before can rebuild it all over again:)"

Damn you so much. I learned to trust others, myself even, and now I daren't  trust even myself anymore, in case I once again trip and fall hard. Maybe if I don't then I wont hurt myself or others that I've learned to trust and vice versa. But that could result in blocking people off altogether. Do I really want to emilinate friends? Does it even bother me much that I could be losing people already due to silence/one-way communication with them? Well to the former, I honestly don't think it bothers me. To the latter, well, I truley talk to people if they show an honest interest or if they really seem to care about what I think. I can listen without a grugde to any one of my friends. It's when they can't even be bothered to persist in finding out about whatever is goining on in my life. I suppose this means that I unconciously scrutanise each possible good friend, sifting the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad. I can't help it, it's how I've always been, a form of self-protection I guess. 

And so now, I return to rebuilding by defences (and to the dread/horror that is chemistry), knowing full well that what I do is not in the best intrest of building a great social web, but knowing it is in the best interest of my heart and sanity.

xxLMxx

P.S. for those of you that don't remember, the song is Naked, by Avril Lavigne.

Let's Bake!!

"You were all the things I thought I knew and I thought we could be. You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it."

I'm so proud of myself! I actually revised chemistry for 4 hours! o.O I know, what is this world coming to!? And then I kinda gave up and baked a cake... Yes, that's right. A victoria sponge with the addition of choc chips and glace cherries- nomnomnom

Well it's my friends birthday tomorow and no-one else volunteered (surfuckingprise) so I decided I would be kind and make one. It was so much fun, much better than thermodynamic calculations!

Aaaaanywhoo... I'm so bored of revision and I can't wait untill exams are over. Then I can rest easy. It would also mean that 10 days later my cast would come off my leg and can start reusing that foot to walk. I live in hope... Man, things breaking and not healing properly is the story of my life. I'm just glad that at least my foot is healing, if nothing else. Ho hum...

Oh, remember me mentioning about people not getting back to you? Ha. Maybe I have high hopes and expectations of people. Well at least I know I can count on some people. Thats what gives me hope for others.

I really should stop rambling about nonsence. But if I did that, what would there be to write about, the weather? Although I would love a thunderstorm, it's too muggy at the mo. Hahaa and I'm off again, so I will stop for mow and will sign off.

Thank you to those who do give me hope though, it's much appreciated :)

xxLMxx

Procrastination is an art form...

"Today, we took a test in Calculus. I finished early, and instead of putting away the school's calculator, I spent the next 15 minutes typing the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody into it. I wish I could've seen the look on the face of the next kid who used it. MLIA"

We all love to waste a bit of time. I perhaps do it a little too often. For instance there could be some really interesting chemistry I could be re-learning or learning about electromagnetism. Or perhaps the wonder that is photosynthesis... Lets take some time to ponder this...

..

..

Erm, I think not. This in itself is not good. I mean I should have 'the fear' by now, but no. I have shit loads of revision to be doing before the 16th, yet I find my self drawn to the website where the above quote was taken. I mean.. A2's in TWELVE DAYS...the effort. I should be scared now, but I'm not. What's wrong with me!? *sigh*

Also, how hard is it to say hello?? Or to send a text or write a quick e-mail? I mean, I thought we were good friends. Granted they could be busy with work or a social life or family, yet I have time to send a few e-mails, a few texts to keep in touch with them. Or is there something unwritten that says that I have to call all the shots, that I have to make all the effort in keeping contact with friends? For instance, I recently sent a dear friend a CD in the post. He likes the band but hasn't gotten round to buying the CD, so I made him a copy and sent it to him. True, he may have bought it anytime between our last conversation and now. Yet what makes me sad is that not a word of thanks. He has had time to update his facebook status, but a simple thank you text/e-mail/fb wall post cannot be sent. Also, you make friends, good friends, all the time. Well, seem to make. The Polish saying "prawdziwich przyjaciol poznaje sie w biedzie" (you make real friends in your lowest moments) rings so very true. Look back to your lowest, remind yourself whom was there for you. Those are the people you shouldn't lose. I certainly know who I'm not going to lose. Maybe a clearout is needed. From the metaphorical, mental, to the real sort, even deleting 'friends' from you facebook. Be true to yourself but dont be too ruthless, some can still be useful.

Dang. Maybe, the value of friendship really has decreased. But that I refuse to accept. Although nowadays, much of friendship consists of "__is friends with__" on facebook or some other networking site. Numbers may be impressive and talk about your social status, but do we really care that someone that was in your yeargroup and have never spoken "got completly wasted last night. woke up in the road LOL!" I just don't give a fuck *remove from friends list* People are just lazy, and so true friendship exists no more. What a world we live in eh? 

Ah well. Back to non-revison revising. The joy that brings into my heart. Naaaat...

xxLMxx