"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head, I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead, I know what's best for me, But I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time..."
Pahah wow I sound pathetic don't I?
And I suppose I am... Well to an extent? Ah who am I kidding. I mean, for goodness sake, I cut it off for good with my good friend (with benefits) because I had hope. Yes, the feeling hope. Ok, so this friend (with benefit) was my on-off boyfriend of 6/7 months and we did have pretty amazing chemistry. Well this time, I got hope because we spent 3 hrs 'together' even though we aren't a couple and I was told that we just couldn't be after exams and shit. And I thought, well this feels soo good and so right then why not, what could go wrong. Ha. It was on the train home that I started thinking that maybe there was a chance of us again later on. Well, that aint gonna happen is it, regardless of it feeling right and near perfect... I can't be a little bit more than friends but less than an official 'item' and feel detatched. That's just not me! I'm too attatched and that feeling won't be reciprocated out loud again, so I have to get out, it's choking me...
Gawd. I mean, it's amazing want the term boyfriend/girlfriend does to ya. As soon as you interchange them with the phrase 'friends with benefits' everything changes. But the thing is, WHF? You still do all the same stuff together, hang out etcetc, yet, something happens, and why is that? Is it because now suddenly the feeling of detachment can be intoduced, and you can still eye up the opposite sex without the guilty feeling? I thought of myself capable, but clearly I'm not. There are somethings I can't handle, and detatchment in an intimate relationship is something I just can't hack. Does this mean I would be a good girlfriend for future guys, or that I will just be hurt over and over. I didn't think I was this fragile (in emotional terms) but obviously I am, and how I wish I were a stronger person.
Haha, thinking back now, most of these entries are full of crap about me feeling sorry for myself. I really don't feel like this all the time, trust me. I guess, it's just easier to write down things that are getting me down on here and then I can sort them out much easier. I mean even now, after writing this babble, I'm feeling better and less, well, pessimistic.
But, for you readers, I will stop beating myself up as much and will drag my sorry ass out of this pit of self-deprication (yes I am capable of long words heheh) and will dump it onto the road of self-worth and strength (along side a little sadness due to forthcoming exams, then again, who feel happiness towards them!?).
So yes, for now, my task is to think positive (or at least more so) and to sprint over the hurdles that are exams and revision. I think thats enough to be getting on with don't you think?
xxLMxx
P.S. becoming a nun...too drastic an action for avoiding the confusion that is men??
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