You feel like giving up... but what's the point?

"I wake up in the mornin', Put on my face, The one that's gonna get me, Through another day,Doesn't really matter, How I feel inside, This life is like a game sometimes. Then you came around me, The walls just dissapeared, Nothin' to surround me, Keep me from my fears, I'm unprotected, See how I've opened up(oh), You've made me trust..."

I don't know how many of you remember that song, but I find it really strikes a chord, especially with all the goings on around me this past year in particular. It's quite sad actually how much I can relate to this song, just reading it makes me feel, not nescessarily one emotion. Just makes me feel.... Honestly, I don't like feeling too much. It makes me feel vunerable. So, by feeling numb (-er) and indifferent helps heal whats been broken. It's just frustrating when the wounds are pulled apart gently allowing yourself to feel again by someone you hold close, and then are just left gaping, the reason being "..so I'm stopping it while it's ahead...I'm just saving you from the hurting and pain..before can rebuild it all over again:)"

Damn you so much. I learned to trust others, myself even, and now I daren't  trust even myself anymore, in case I once again trip and fall hard. Maybe if I don't then I wont hurt myself or others that I've learned to trust and vice versa. But that could result in blocking people off altogether. Do I really want to emilinate friends? Does it even bother me much that I could be losing people already due to silence/one-way communication with them? Well to the former, I honestly don't think it bothers me. To the latter, well, I truley talk to people if they show an honest interest or if they really seem to care about what I think. I can listen without a grugde to any one of my friends. It's when they can't even be bothered to persist in finding out about whatever is goining on in my life. I suppose this means that I unconciously scrutanise each possible good friend, sifting the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad. I can't help it, it's how I've always been, a form of self-protection I guess. 

And so now, I return to rebuilding by defences (and to the dread/horror that is chemistry), knowing full well that what I do is not in the best intrest of building a great social web, but knowing it is in the best interest of my heart and sanity.

xxLMxx

P.S. for those of you that don't remember, the song is Naked, by Avril Lavigne.