"...I kick out the door, I look around and I see the same faces again of the people who tell me what I should do, and where I should go. The same advices to compromise. I'd rather break their necks right now, with empty words spilled over tears. Don't take me down..."
It's strange. I've done my exams. There is nothing more I can do, then why the hell am I panicing more about them now?? Is it because I've seen the papers and know I've done, well, not so well as I might have hoped? Or is it because I just need something to do with my spare time and panicing feels up that gap nicely? I don't know, there may be something else to it.. Though it would be interesting to hear your thoughts. Mind you, it's difficult to get people to voice an opinion if there is no-one there to voice it in the first place! Ho hum. That is life I guess. You never know how people feel/what they see/what they feel until you ask the right questions and prise it out of their stone cold hands. Looking back at this, I have no idea why I just wrote that last sentence, it just felt right to write it. So it shall stay. And people will look at this with confusion (if they can be bothered to read this in the first place) and I will sit back and watch it unfold, mwahaha. Teehee, just kidding!
But you know what? I think I'm now getting used to it. Used to him having moved on so gracefully I mean, whilst I do the completely ungraceful thing of falling flat on my arse in ice cold water (and let me tell you - that is not fun, I don't think I've ever been so embarassed on a school trip! Well other than the time when I threw up on the coach on the way to the trip ^^ but lets step over that with grace ^^ ha!). Aaaanyway.... But yeah. I mean it still makes me feel quite queasy (does that mean I'm really not over it!?) thinking about him and her together but I feel calmer about it. Maybe its the calm before the storm I don't know. Well at least he's now got a girl to fuck, and that position will nolonger be filled by me every time we go to his....>.< I'm a fool I know. And I know I keep saying that, but if I keep saying it then maybe it will wear away. Ha. Sure, and the govement cuts won't have any effect on me and the people around me....
I feel so tired. I can't be bothered to fight. But I have to keep trying because giving up means that I can't stand up for myself, that I have no opinion about things, that I'm spineless and a worthless excuse for a human. So lets show them that I am fighting, that I havn't given up because I'm not those things. Even if that minds masking certain things? Well, yes. Becuase these days, if you have a fault on show, you give them an excuse to stick thier crowbar into it and start wiggling it about. But if I may ask of you one thing. Feel free to tell me to grow up/suck it up if I do end up falling over and fail myself at any point. You have permission to be mean. I need tough love ^^
But I may be tired because I need sleep. Well, we shall see if sleep helps. Good night dear people.
xxLMxx
oh god, i can so relate.....
ReplyDelete"You never know how people feel/what they see/what they feel until you ask the right questions and prise it out of their stone cold hands."
ReplyDeleteI think that for people to tell you their feeling / opinion of you means they have to look to their feelings and opinions of themselves...because what they don't like about themselves they will often not like in others...but they can not say as this would mean they would have to do something about this in them.....
hope that makes sense?!
Jewell, I think you are pretty much spot on. I feel the same way and therein lies the problem. But there is one thing trying to put off looking within and another resusing point blankto look at all. It's the refusal that pains me the most.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the time you both took to comment, it is much appreciated x
"Becuase these days, if you have a fault on show, you give them an excuse to stick thier crowbar into it and start wiggling it about."
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more with that sentence. (Such a strong, well-written sentence, too!). Remain strong, dearest (: xx