The End Of The Beginning? Or The Beginnning Of The End?

'We move fast, we move slow, we twist, we turn, we tumble.. But somewhere, sometime, the ride must stop eventually...'

So the first cut has been made, now to get going on the rest. Of the mental weeds mind, not anything else...but lets not travel down that route eh! I'm stubborn, I have to be able to do this on my own you know. I hate feeling dependant on him, he always tries fixing me, and now, I have to fix myself. It makes me feel week, helpless and just, well, stupid. I can't even help myself and yet I expect him to do it for me. I can't do that to him anymore, it feels like the only reason we are together is because he likes to fix me and for no other reason.. I know that sounds self-centred, selfish and insecure, but maybe I am. I need to figure myself out better first. I need to know myself better and understand myself better. Maybe then I can stop being selfish, and can stop focusing on my insecurities. Thats why it's done. I had to nip it at the not so bud-dy bud. It's not fair on him. I don't even know what I want anymore..

Here's to a fresh start for those who want one in this new coming year. And if you don't want a fresh start, then may your continuation be fruitfull and joyous. 

Much love

xxLMxx

"Happy Holidays You B*****d"

And with that, all we had, clutched in our tiny hands, dissapears into the fog of our imagination...

I return to my therapy.

Hasn't the past few weeks passed in a whirlwind fashion.. I'm so glad I somehow managed to keep my fuse dampened slightly. Otherwise things would have tits up :( Its strange though, as now I am home with y family and without him, it is beginning to shorten slightly again, even though it was mostly him that caused it in the first  place I think! I hate myself for thinking that but I can't help it. I am in one of those moods where I feel the need to pick apart all that is good in my life even though I am currently happy with it all. I've even gotten myself a new bit of metal to keep me happy (peircings make me feel confident about my body and in a strange way, their permamence gives me comfort.. go figure) and now I'm home, without the rush of uni work or work, I feel like someone that is able to think. I don't like it. Thinking puts seeds of doubt into my mind. \Without meaning to, these seeds develop into damned weeds that cannnot be controlled or tamed. They take a hold and I cannot escape. The devour me and I just want to be free from the pain and anguish of my mind.

I want to be free...and I want to burn the damned weeds... I just dont know how

xxLMxx

P.S. Hope your holidays are happier

Stressed? Nah, I Just Like Dreaming About Fears......

It's only recently that the nice dreams have ended. Now I either cant remeber them at all or like last night, they play on some fears... They also tend to have multiple setting yet all reflect my current worries and fears. Last night they were 3 main stories that I remember too well.

1- Watching my mother eat mouldy bread as they can't afford a fresh loaf

2- Being told to climb an unsteady up a steep mountainside with a massive drop under the ladder

3- Handing in important essays just before the deadline to discover they aren't even finished

I don't like this so far...

Go figure... I'm stressed out and worried.... I'm also a freak

xxLMxx

And the fuse begins to shorten. It can't be stopped, quickened or slowed down. It's not certain when it'll blow. But what is certain is that I'm scared of it. It ends up hurting me but also others around me, which hurts even more. 

I'm scared of the outcome of this one...

xxLMxx

Confused.com?

"...Im growing so disturbed, Nothing makes sense to me anymore, Im learning to resist, Becoming more than you ever were, Cant explain, whats come over me (come over me), Cant explain, why its so hard for me, So hard to see your side..."

I feel so torn right now, I'm confused and I'm not sure about anything anymore. I hate this state I'm in.It hurt and is distracting me from reality...

Well at least uni's going alright...

xxLMxx

Will The Sexy Cyberwomen Please Stand Up?

"...Holding on to you  To keep from falling Your eyes are closing now Another chapter's ending This is our last goodbye, This is our time tonight..."

Such an eventful week tis was! Okay, so that is a bit of a lie. Some courses has their reading weeks this week. Our course didn't get one (I know, cry for me lol). Instead we got a lab week! Can I hear a whoop!! Not. It really wasn't that exciting... We were in the lab for about 2 hours a day either looking down the microscope or make dilutions to work out protien concentrations. I must say was thrilling stuff! ... It picked up a bit though on weds eve. Went on a pub crawl with the shooting club; was awesome ^.^ even though was a little messy :) I'm confused now, I can't remember if I mentioned me shooting before... In case I have I'll mention it very briefly (in case I didn't... that makes sence in my head). But yes! About once a week, I'm bundled off in a car and we all go clay pigeon shooting! It's so much fun and I love it so much :) This is the first time I've been introduced to it but I seem to be picking it up alright :) I do break some so aaaall good ;) 

Then thursday. Thursday eve to be exact... It was eventful to say the least. There was an athletics social that I went to. Was fab :) Until the point when I dislocated my knee.

Luckily it popped back into place when I was pulled up by the bouncer, but owie!!! Was very fortunate to be given enough money for a taxi back to my flat but walking form the main road to my flat was a freaking mission and a half!! After suffering through the night, made an appointment at the medical centre to see what they would recommend. I was up from half 6 in the morning and my appointment was at half 11... Longest wait of my life. It was the doc that told me to go A&E and like a good girl i went. Luckily for me, the uni pays for the taxi trip there to the hosp. Was givena beautiful brace to surround my leg and ahve been reunited with my crutches.. Again can I hear a whoop? ...no...just no. Its such a horrible contraption I actually do look like a Dr Who cyberman XD Fantastic end to the week I think... At least they've given me nice strong painkillers :) Which reminds me, I need to get food to take 'em now.... The ironic thing about the shinanegans of thursday eve? The theme was "doctors and parients"... I dressed up as a patient...

Take care my dears... Oh, and happy halloween!

xxLMxx

I Miss Your Face....

"...Don't wish it away. Don't look at it like it's forever. Between you and me I could honestly say That things can only get better. And while I'm away, Dust out the demons inside, And it won't be long Before you and me run To the place in our hearts Where we hide..."

I miss last weekend. For the first time since I moved down here in september, I had my first visitor from home :) My baby, L came over to visit! Such a good weekend, got to properly relax since arriving and could set uni life aside for a short while... I hated seeing him go though...I want him back here so badly, but I can't afford to fall behind in studies... So yes, it is his face that I miss. Maybe. :) 

Sadly quite proud of myself though just because I managed to hand in my first essay a day early lol. It was such an interesting topic though. Our tutor let us pick our own topic, so I chose "Sexual Differentiation In Developing Humans" this is an embryonic stage mind. It is fascinating stuff! I didnt know before that the embryo starts off the same sexually regardless whether its a male of female (obviously starts the same but I mean the sex organs develop yet they are still the same)! It is only in the 7th week or there about that it starts changing accordingly and sex can possibly determined at around 11 weeks... But even then it can be wrong. The child could genetically be male but have female genitalia! Wierd, but really interesting... Now I just have to make a start on my next one... Its about techniques aiding in conception, not sure whether to write about humans or about cattle say. Hmm...

Ooooh and excitement! I have a job for just before Christmas. Nasty hours (10.30 pm to 2.30am) but decent pay and you get paid weekly. I'm a keyer for Royal Mail so basicly typing in the postcode of letters into a computer program. Should be fun. Not. It's a job and I really need the money. Having proper problems financially... I have about £190 left before my next student finance instalment comes though...in january Majorly screwed. And I can't ask my parents for help as they are screwed themselves. Dad is still unemployed (for past 6 months) and mum is barely scraping them through... At least I don't have to think about purchasing any more train/bus tickets home. Have sorted them all out now. Am coming home for Christmas for like two weeks and would be my first time home. I say would be, because managed to talk with my dad and I've organised a surprise trip home in November for my brothers birthday. Mum and bro know nothing of it, so should be interesting to see thier reactions! Tbh, my bro prob wouldn't care but he would when he learns that I have a present for him!

Aaaaanyway I shall end my rantings here for now and will let you get back to your much more interesting lives. I'm a bore I know :) I pride myself on it lol

Take care peeps! Hope y'all are well :)

xxLMxx

Bruised Like a Peach....

"...Stop stealling my heart away … You’re stealling my heart away. I don’t know where we going. I don’t know who we are. Feels like we are flowing High above the stars, the stars, the stars, the stars..." 

Wow it has been a fair while.. I've missed it too to be honest. It's my therapy, sitting here typing and spewing utter rubbish, but I'm not forcing you to read this. Move on if you so wish...but the company is nice :) Well I like to think I have company... Hang on that makes no sence once written down, it does in my mind though... Hmm... Maybe I should get that checked out! hahah oooooh deaaaar....

Currently I'm in one of those really bizzare moods... I don't really know what to make of it. Hmm.. Oh I don't know. But uni is absolutly fab. I love it here and am actually quite glad I didnt make it to my firm choice! Have lots of work to do though... Have to write two essays by the 22nd of october, so better get cracking as well as a maths test to do online! Should prob make a good start on them before L comes down for a visit on friday (and I am unbelievably excited!). It's annoying though, because one of the essays is formative (doesnt count towards modular mark), the other summative (does count). I had to choose my own title for the formative one, and I'm spending more time on it than the other one! I eventually went with the title of  "Sexual Differenciation of Developing Humans". Really interesting but I'm not sure if I can really pad out 1500 words! Should be fun...

Aaaand I'm finally going home soon! Booked tickets home to go down for my brothers 16th. Only my dad knows too! Mum and brother = clueless! :) Will be the first time home since I arrived on 12th...

But oooh dear, wine does bad things to me! Managed to get through a whole bottle of wine last night and oooooh.... Ended up showing off my ink and peircings to quite a few stranges/students living in same building... Not good! And yes, the pole did tempt me back.. I am ashamed of myself! Much fun though! And surprisingly I am quite enjoying this whole cooking shabang :) I'll be an ace house wife at the end hahahh 

I will end my nonsensical ramblings here and will let you get on with your life :) Take care of yourselves!!

xxLMxx

Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down (even if they are bigger...)

"...Stay strong no time to feel weak, wake up it's time to look deep, don't wait 'till the end of time..."

So the induction has begun, and ohhhh dear. Why am I here? I feel incredibly stupid around all these people that have obviously deserved to get onto this course. Looking at the modules and info about coursework/essays/assessments, I am royally screwed up the ass if you pardon the phrase. I've been told that this is how everyone feels and that it gets better but I have some real doubts. The thing is, this is what I love doing, its so interesting, yet I could barely get through a practical session without nearly bursting into tears of emmbarassment. I felt so sick. I don't know if I can do it.

But thing is, I have to. I can't give up. I must be stronger than this. What's the phrase that holds truth? The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. I'm sure I've felt this way before as well, so this may just be a record stuck on repeat... But there are some things that bring back a sort of amnesia. It's like trying to recall what amount of pain you were in when you broke something or (not in my case but I've heard) trying to recall the amout of pain you were in during childbirth years ago. Some things are not possible to recall, and its the levels of emotion that cannot be descrided again. Even the methods in which it was controlled and how effective it is is difficult. This urge to fight even though I feel incredibly shite must be a repeat, with me it must be. I just can't remember what I did. I'm not sure what to do to make it better. The fact that I'm miles away from my man and family makes it harder too. I guess I should have thought about that earlier eh?

Man, and everyday, its spending money on booze either at a pub/club or for home. I can't be bothered to be honest. I'm going to conform to a scientists stereotype and retreat safely to my room and brood. I'm sad I know... I do not have the energy at the momento. As this week has been going on, I've been feeling lower and lower. It's ridiculous I know, I was looking forward to this for ages! What the hell is wrong with me!? Fuck knows... In that case I will retreat to the kitchen and much on biccies with my flat mates :)

Yes I am abandoning you for biscuits. I apologise. You'll be glad to be rid of me ^^ *salutes*

xxLMxx

Those Two Words....

"...Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don't just say, And nothing else matters. Yeah, trust I seek and I find in you, Every day for us something new, Open mind for a different view, And nothing else matters..."

Been at Uni since Sunday now, and I must say I was absolutly bricking it. Know why? The fear of the Unknown. Why is it that that terrifies everyone so much? If we don't know about it, then it can't harm us, it can't hurt us. Therefore all is good. But what if its not good? If not all is well at all? What if it goes horribly wrong? What if I end up alone? What if.... I could go on. But I'll spare you.But did you see the key phrase, the phase that is the bane of our lives? What If. Two of some of the smallest words (ok, thats a slight lie) but they carry so much. Yet unlike "I Love You" these two cannot be missread, missinterpreted, or missused. But they can be used too much. You need someone to tell you to stop using them, as you get so worked up. Do we listen? No. We can't help it, it's in our nature to assume the worst. It's a terrible design fault. Yet, when you assume the worst, don't you get a fabulous feeling when things go so much better? Assume the worst and you get a nice surprise (or nothing changes), or assume the best and become dissapointed (or nothing changes). What would you honestly prefer? I know which I would choose. But is there an option for assuming the worst without any of the proper panicky feelings? I guess not eh? Dayum...

I assumed the worst on Sunday...the day improved quite a bit. I feel so at home here, just comfortable with everything around me. And the people are fab. Making new friends was one thing aspect of starting something new I found the hardest. My confidence drops and I get shy. Some flat mates were in the kitchen. I somehow managed to get my face on nice and quick and sounded faily confident. Well I say confident. I actually made a right prat out of myself :P Now I have to pretend I know what I'm doing so as not to look out of place...  Though looking back, I'm not sure if it was a face... The big wide world is scary..... Again the Unknown creeps back to haunt us again....

But as usual, we learn to deal with it and we carry on like alll is well.... Problems are swept under, to be delt with when it gets too much. The story of my life..

xxLMxx

Oh Crapski...

"...I will not die, I'll wait here for you, I feel alive, when you're beside me. I will not die, I'll wait here for you,In my time of dying..."

Wow It's been quite a while since I've written something... Well for you, probably not. You'll look at this and think, "Oh gawd, not again, someone shut her up." I don't mind to be honest, I think the same thing sometimes :) but the occasional bout of verbal diarrhoea is good I think ;)

So September is finnally upon us. By this time next week, I will no longer be home. Instead I will be at Plymouth University probably thinking what on earth made me come to university... So yes! I'm leaving on saturday, staying in a hotel overnight with the family, ready to move into my accommodation the next day. It's going to be a difficult time. Settling in, making new friends, getting used to a new environment and style of learning/teaching. Oh, and how could I neglect to mention this. L and I are back together again. I'm sure many people may groan, but I'm glad we are back. I'm sure that I sound like a hypocrite if I was to look back on what I have previously said, but it's amazing how attitudes change with a new situation. All is forgiven and we are more than prepared to make this long-distance thang work :) I would be lying if I said the whole thing didn't scare me, boy does it. I'm just more willing to put that feeling aside and concentrate on the other feelings I've got going on ^.^

For instance, I am shitting bricks (if you'll excuse the phrase) about the finance side. The day after I move in (13th) I am immediately -477 pounds in the red. I get my student loan on the 20th. Screwed royaly XD Ho hum. It's all part of student life isn't it? Hmmm... Heres to surviving the next few days *raises glass*

xxLMxx

I Shall Now Open the Envelope to Reveal the Results....

I GOING TO UNI!!!!!!!!

aaahhhh! Im so excited!! If you couldn't guess :D I went early to get my results because I was so worried about them. Looking back, I shouldn't have been. Yes I didn't do as well as I had hoped and so I missed out on my place in Manchester, but instead I got accepted at Plymouth to study Biomedical Science. In the end I got an B in biology, a C in chemistry, physics and maths AS, and of course my B in Polish. Honestly, I'm not sure if I would have coped at Manchester. I got a catch-up compendium sent to me in the post and I was looking through it. ........ <- all that needs to be said. I mean half the stuff in the maths and stats section I hadn't covered before and so I would have been stuffed like a Christmas turkey... I guess thats why they called it a catch-up compendium *facepalm* After getting results though, I went straight home to check my e-mail and foud out I had been accepted. Applied for accommodation straight away and recieved an offer for university allocated the next day!! I mean, how did that happen!? They said they could only offer allocated to about 60% of undergrads... Wierd huh? It's a sign that I was meant to go there ^^ Mind you, going there and surviving the first few weeks/months are completely different things aren't they :)

But so far things are going well :) I got a surprise visit from L the thurs before results and he bought films and flowers. They flowers gained him a point in my book. I don't know, there is just something really exciting about recieving flowers. My chest actually swelled with pride thinking "yeah, uh huh, ma man got me flowers and you got none" , I couldn't stop smiling. The red blooms now dominate my window sill. He usually does things that make me smile, but I still worry a little about the near future. Do we continue with how things are (ie taking tentative footsteps and so leaving little room for heartbreaks later on) or do we emerse ourselves fully now (damning the concequences...) 

But I'm so ready for plymouth - I just sewed myself a laundry bag :)

xxLMxx

What's Life Without Complications eh?

"...women, men, and children fight, they were dying side by side and the blood they shed upon the streets was a sacrifice willingly paid..."

Now that is a song worth listening to. Uprising by Sabaton. For many, power metal isn't really their thing, but it's an awesome song which talks about the battle fought in Warsaw. GO LISTEN! It's awesome, though as a pole I may be a little biased ^^

But these complications? Well, where do I start. I swear I'm going round in circles. One moment I've fallen, next I'm up. One moment I can't get him off my mind, next all forgotten. Though since I canme back and went rock night again and saw him and had a heart to heart, I'm afraid it the former. If you have been reading my previous blogs then you may have clicked who I'm banging on about >< *sigh* 

It's strange how opinions change as soon as the situation also changes. Remeber when I found out what happened between that girl and him and when we split up? Well now there is the possibility of something happening again, I feel different about it all. Oh, and news flash. Apperently she lied to him. She wasn't pregnant at all.... Gah... And to top things he keeps saying that he still loves me and that hes never stopped thinking about me, even during the time he was with her. I'm not sure how I feel at the moment, though to be honest I don't think I ever stopped having deep feelings for him, though I'm really scared to admit it as I'm terrified of getting hurt again, even though I act like I don't care about getting hurt. He said himself that he is very very willing to spent the rest of his life making it up to me and giving me a helping hand. It's tempting to turn to him and say "You know how you could make it up to me? Take me to the theatre to see a play/musical/opera or dancing (but proper dancing)." Yet he has no money and he really dislikes that sort of thing, so the look on his face would be a picture. But manipulating him that much? It's probably bordering on cruel lol I don't know though, maybe he deserves to endure the suffering of ballroom/theatre. What do you think? Apparently I've already got him wrapped around all my fingers let alone he little one, but this? Hmmm.... All to top it off, all his friends are telling us we should get back as they have really grown to like me. I feel very flattered :)

Oh and another thing, mum and bro finally came back from their holiday in Poland today. They bought back gifts of vodka (both shop bought and homemade) and AT LEAST a kilo and a half of polish cheese - one of my weaknesses I'm afraid *blush* there is sooooo much food now >< Now I'm going to get even fatter... The gym awaits me...

Hope y'all are well

xxLMxx

"Letting go means you risk falling. I'm worried about falling, but what scares me most is that you might not catch me..."

So, this is the pic of my ink, for those who may be interested and I'm soo happy with it! But now I want more >< Tis very annoying as I have no money, but I need to find a job. The mind is willing but the body is weak....

Also, yesterday, got back from le brownie camp. Two weeks were spent looking after 37 girls and boys between 7 and 10 years. Exhausting work but so worth while. I loved every minute of it, and can't wait to go again next year!! The others that were also there said I took to it like a fish to water, and they have at least 5 years experience on them so I feel quite chuffed really! I may have found my calling ^^ I really enjoyed working with kids, they have their moments, but I loved it. Some even gave me presents as a thank you! I swear I nearly cried. Well after 2 weeks of living with them, you can't help but have some sort of attatchment. And the kids loved it. This year the theme was "A rainbow of tribes" ie Native Americans. We made head-dresses, medalions, teepee's, totem poles, tomahawks, went swimming, visited an American museum... So much went on, we were constantly on the go! And the weather was absolutely gorgeous. Sun shined throughout the 2 weeks bar the last few days, but can't really complain can I? But then I came down with a migrane on the last day and so felt like complete shite >< Ho hum, you can't have everything can you?

There was one girl that reaally touched me though, J. She is 10 years old and is a child carer. Her mun is nearly crippled with MS and her parents split up years ago. She lives with her mum, her dad left her years back and only now does he want to rebuild a relationship with her. He has remarried with 2 kids now and J can't cope with this re-introduction. J now acts like she was my age, late teen, and has seemed to have forgotten how to interact with children and how to make new friends. Her mum wanted her to come on this camp to have a well eared rest and to have fun with kids her age. She cried almost every night for the first week, and sometimes during the day too. It really cut me, yet there was nothing I could do to help apart from comfort her. I felt so helpless yet what could I have done? J went home on the visit day at the end of the first week. I hadn't seen her quite so happy. I really hope she remains well and looks after herself as well as her mum. Whenever she cried, the main reason was that she was worried about her mum, how that she couldn't cope without her... You hear about child carers and how it affects them but you don't really take it in untill the point at which you meet one. They are self-less and wonderful children yet they need these breaks however there is so little support out there. They need something for themselves...

xxLMxx

TheyTook My Ink Virginity! But Willingly Of Course

"...Just gonna stand there, And watch me burn, But that's alright  Because I like The way it hurts..."

So... I got my first bit of ink on tuesday!!! I'm so happy. They are 2 ancient egyptian symbols meaning 1; truth/moratlity/justice/balance and 2; protection. It has been done on my ribs and I was told that would be a bitch and it was a bit. Was better than I was expecting but it was still uncomfortable. But somehow, I have a feeling that uncomfortable feeling won't stop me...like piercings I will want more...gah but where the hell would I get the money for them!? 

So that kicked the day off to a good start, though I wasnt really expecting it to carry on well. I was to meet with L that day also, and so naturally I was worried thinking it would be awkward and honestly I didn't trust myself at all... Surprisingly, it was a really enjoyable day. Partially because I was still buzzing from the night before (I may have drank a little too much followed by 5hrs sleep so my liver didnt really have enough time to work properly..) and partially because I felt completely fine about how things had turned out between us. And I like karma now :) He isn't a fan of his new relationship. She has a two year old kid that keeps waking him up in the early mornings meaning he can't sleep properly and she is apparently very very jealous of any girl that even looks at him. I felt quite smug when he was talking to me about her, and I was surprised how he really didnt hold back on the critisism of their relationship either. I don't really get that, if you don't like it then why are you still together!? But hey. I shouldnt be pleased that it's not really working for him, yet...I thank the lord for sweet karma :)

And all is finally right in the world *wink*

Aaaah! I'm so excited about friday too. Going off to St. Brivals for two weeks to look after some little Polish brownies ^^ whoo! That will finally give me something to do lol as I'm so bored at the moment >< Ah well... Things are looking up I think, yay!

xxLMxx

"I don't fancy getting my hair wet today"

"...and I know that stillness shatters, we have always been frightened by the sound of footsteps on the pavement of our lives, I stand and fight, I'm not afraid to die..."

Monday was my first athletics session back on two feet. Gawd, have I missed it. I mean it must be a sign of good times ahead if I was consistently throwing the discus over or on 25m? A good release of pent up energy indeed (: It's something I've been needing. It is a constructive way of release energy and stress, and the only damage done is to the grass... I hope it will forgive me... 

After years of rebeling I finally decided to go swimming, and I mean the laps-and-on-own-so-not-much-chatting-going-on swimming. Oh the larks I had. It reminded me why I spent so long rebeling in the first place. I can't swim. I mean it, I really can't, I can float and kind of propel myself along. But, I'm only able to do this if I am within reaching distance of the rail at the side, and I have a small panic attack if I am unable to touch the bottom. I'm about as graceful and comfortable in the swimming pool as an elephant is quiet and small... But going does provide me with some entertainment. I went to the nice heated outdoor pool in Chesham and I felt a little out of place. The average age was 65 and I was the only female with wet hair... I kid you not, a woman and her friend swam past and all I caught was "oh, its starting to rain now... I might go in now, I don't really fancy getting my hair wet..." What are you doing swimming in a swimming pool then, of course your going to get wet!!!! I also found I have very little shame. When it comes to changing room ettiquete, there is none. You grab your stuff, put it on a bench get shower stuff 'n' towel and find a shower without slipping and breaking your back or leg. You start showering and you turn around to properly wash your hair and okaaaay naked people every where ...... eh stuff it *starts stripping* why not, I have nothing to hide (apart from a few peircings that some older women may feel are slightly offencive, but hey ho whatever...). I won't mention the fact that I started washing my hair with conditioner and not shampoo. Oh. Darn...

I've also decided to join the gym. I need to get fit again. You never know, there may also be some nice sweaty guys working out *wink* and the instructer thats giving the induction isn't all bad either *wink wink*

Don't worry y'all, I will finish off in a min. But I want to ask something. Why bother going to an athletics session if you plan on throwing for 20 min and then saying that your not going to throw any more today. I went to watch the javelin throwers for half the session, leaving the discus throwers to their own devices. I then wen to the discus throwers and then suddenly say they aren't throwing anymore. Yet they daren't move or go home, they stay by the cage and chat... I'm not too impressed. Maybe I overreacted slightly by closing the cage and telling them to leave if they aren't throwing, I don't know. Maybe I didn't overreact, maybe thats what people would normally do... I went to enjoy a nice coaching and throwing session, yet I left angry and tense not knowing why I went in the first place. Again, this face? Not impressed..

Aaanyways, I really will stop now, I have possibly killed you all off with this incessant rambling and nonscence. Take care everyone, heres to things getting better again...

xxLMxx

My leg is now free from its prison, now will my mind follow suit...

"...Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it..."

Recieved the best news concievable yesterday. My metatarsal has now fully healed and the stupid cast could be taken off for good, the bone graft had worked (about freaking time too!). After 3 solid months of my leg being immobalised in a cast, my leg is now free to feel the soft caress of the sun and and the slender fingers of the wind. Freedom has never tasted so good. You know what the great thing is? I feel much better as well. It's like, finally the butterfly has emerged from it's cocoon, leaving its previous life behind. Not that I'm comparing myself to a butterfly mind you, I mean I am, I'm just no way near as pretty or as gracefull. I just think that maybe things can really start going up and moving on for me now... Well lets hope that nothing else happens that will land me in another cast *touch wood*

And so thinking that things may finally be looking up, I was really looking forward to a hammer session I was to be taking today, with a specialised hammer coach (who was also a good friend and so I called in a favour). So I checked monday whether the tarck was free, made sure that the right people knew by wednesday what was happening today, sent e-ails and texts to all, him included, and only 2 people showed up. At least 4 others showed interest, including the hammer coach, M. Well not even M showed up. I received no text or phone call indicating his possible absence and so I had to take the session myself. I wanted to, but I'm not very good at hammer and so am not very confident in my teaching of it. Well, there isn't much I can say to that, other than I'm pissed that he didn't say anything to me and that to be fair, hasn't really helped to improve my faith and trust in men. *sigh* Fricking guys.. Sometimes I don't know why I bother... Grr... Not best pleased...

I guess life really is like a rollercoaster. I mean the initial journey up is slow but the view is a beautiful one. Then suddenly your taken down, with little or no explaination, other that it was going to happen eventually.. After the drop, you may climb up again slowly, or you may be led onto a series of twists, turns, corkscrews... None of it is expected, yet if you do see it coming then there is nothing you can do about it other than to brace yourself. Yes, it is an unpredictable and sometimes scary ride, but the thrill you get sometimes can not be compared. Damn the consequences and get on that ride, don't stand by the side looking up at it, as that way you will never find out what it is really like. Loosen your hair, and put your hands in the air like you just don't care...

xxLMxx

Think, Feel, Believe Then Act...

"Stand up and face the wind head-on. Stand tall and strong. Stand you ground and move for no-one but yourself. If you think it, feel it, the believe it. Once you believe it, then you can act on it..."

so I upload pictures of a glass I made, well decorated. Please write what you think and whether I should create a page of something... It gives me something to do I guess...

So, saturday. Jeeze, that was one strange evening. It was Rock Night so whatever was going to happen, it would be a good evening. What it entails is basicly going to the pub in uxbrige which gets very crowded very quickly having an awesome time in each others company with great loud and thrashy music with copious amounts of cheap alcohol. But this time it was strange. I mean the last time I went, 1-was in april, 2-I was in a relationship, 3-I was dressed up as a cat. Yes I know I'm wierd but hey, get over it. What I mean by strange, is that I felt like a spectator, detatched almost... It was good fun though, messing about with some mates, though then that started getting surreal. I think with guy mates, there is definately a line, ie one side being friendly the other being hit on. me and my guys mated tend to make that line blurry and undefined, but it is still strange if you know what I mean. I had such a laugh, which made me feel much better (though lets not mention the number of times I'd dug a few graves then gone and sat in them). But then I look over my shoulder and I see her eating his face and I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Who'd have thought one look could have bought down the mood the my eve so dramatically. I can't take it! Physically I feel strong, I can fight this, I can move past it, yet mentally I feel weak and defenceless... Ergh...

I should stop rambling now. It feels a bit much, though I feel slightly numb. Which is a prefered state for me I think. But anyway. My cast comes off on friday!!!!! I'm so excited. Anyways, take care all, hope you're well.

xxLMxx

"Reach for the stars, climb every mountain higher..."

"...Let's jump upon the sharp swords, And cut away our smiles,Without the threat of death, There's no reason to live at all, My world is unaffected, there is an exit here, I say it is and then it's true, There is a dream inside a dream, I'm wide awake the more I sleep..."

I don't know why but the louder and thrashier the music the calmer I feel. I cannot stand classical (although I could possibly be swayed...) maybe its because I feel that calm music is telling me "this is how you sould be feeling, peaceful and serene..." which I physically cannot do. It's when I do occasionally feel that, I get a little scared. Iits strange but I like feeling busy and a bit all over the place. I probably contradict myself when I say that feeling busy helps me forget about how I feel when I say all the time that I need to distinguish between all the jumbles of thoughts and feelings. I mean these past few days (apart from the end of exams-hallefeckingluyah) I've been quite glad of the triple birthday that came up. It mean that I could fully concentrate on making their presents without having these distracing feelings upsetting/distracting me. And they worked so well! the presents I mean. I bought them each a champagne glass and etched "18" into the front so its a nice frosted effect, and painted their initals onto it too. It was awesome fun, and I really want to make more! I was thinking about maybe selling some to whoever is interested in ordering some but I'm not sure if anyone will be interested... I may put up some photos and see what kind of responce (if any) there will be. hmmm....

Well at least their party went smoothly. It was 80/90's themed in a football club so there was always a chance it could have gone wrong. The music was fab taking me right back to primary school disco's *sigh*... And I love it how the clipple ie me dance pretty much non-stop for the entire 4 hours. What can I say, fabby music leads to lots of crazy dancing, even if you do still have a cast wrapped around one leg... So, back home at 12, up at 6.30 >.< and yes, me being me, I did forget to take my contact lenses out, again... Things couldn't get any worse.

Scrap that thought. They probably could. Tis rock night tonight and I can't wait!! And the fact that two guys who have expressed alot of interest in me are also coming. Get me pissed then I can deal with this rationally... Well at least it will make it a little more interesting eh? And I'm glad that my two besties will be there too. They will meake sure I don't end up slapping a certain someone. It still makes me ill to the core and I hate that it still effects me and yet not him! Bleugh, recovery will take longer that expected I think. I'm not impressed...

Anyway I will leave you all be now and will be my sorry ass off the computer. Hope your all well!!

xxLMxx

*dingding* Round 1 of the Second Match

"...I kick out the door, I look around and I see the same faces again of the people who tell me what I should do, and where I should go. The same advices to compromise. I'd rather break their necks right now, with empty words spilled over tears. Don't take me down..."

It's strange. I've done my exams. There is nothing more I can do, then why the hell am I panicing more about them now?? Is it because I've seen the papers and know I've done, well, not so well as I might have hoped? Or is it because I just need something to do with my spare time and panicing feels up that gap nicely? I don't know, there may be something else to it.. Though it would be interesting to hear your thoughts. Mind you, it's difficult to get people to voice an opinion if there is no-one there to voice it in the first place! Ho hum. That is life I guess. You never know how people feel/what they see/what they feel until you ask the right questions and prise it out of their stone cold hands. Looking back at this, I have no idea why I just wrote that last sentence, it just felt right to write it. So it shall stay. And people will look at this with confusion (if they can be bothered to read this in the first place) and I will sit back and watch it unfold, mwahaha. Teehee, just kidding!

But you know what? I think I'm now getting used to it. Used to him having moved on so gracefully I mean, whilst I do the completely ungraceful thing of falling flat on my arse in ice cold water (and let me tell you - that is not fun, I don't think I've ever been so embarassed on a school trip! Well other than the time when I threw up on the coach on the way to the trip ^^ but lets step over that with grace ^^ ha!). Aaaanyway.... But yeah. I mean it still makes me feel quite queasy (does that mean I'm really not over it!?) thinking about him and her together but I feel calmer about it. Maybe its the calm before the storm I don't know. Well at least he's now got a girl to fuck, and that position will nolonger be filled by me every time we go to his....>.< I'm a fool I know. And I know I keep saying that, but if I keep saying it then maybe it will wear away. Ha. Sure, and the govement cuts won't have any effect on me and the people around me....

I feel so tired. I can't be bothered to fight. But I have to keep trying because giving up means that I can't stand up for myself, that I have no opinion about things, that I'm spineless and a worthless excuse for a human. So lets show them that I am fighting, that I havn't given up because I'm not those things. Even if that minds masking certain things? Well, yes. Becuase these days, if you have a fault on show, you give them an excuse to stick thier crowbar into it and start wiggling it about. But if I may ask of you one thing. Feel free to tell me to grow up/suck it up if I do end up falling over and fail myself at any point. You have permission to be mean. I need tough love ^^ 

But I may be tired because I need sleep. Well, we shall see if sleep helps. Good night dear people.

xxLMxx

my heart isn't worth healing, it'll prob just get stamped on again...

"There was an owl that lived in an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke, the less he spoke, the more he heard, now why can't we all be like the old bird?"

I feel sick, I really do, I've sopped eating properly and get random stabbing pains down my shoulder and in my torso and I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't help that exams are really stressing me out at the moment. I mean there are so many people out there who are worse off than me, and I know that I should stop dithering in the land of stupidness and should really get over myself. I mean I reaally should have moved on. I should have done what he has ie 3 weeks after our "I cant do this shit anymore" breakup, and gotten myself another guy. Ha. I can't be bothered with guys at all. They can't say what they mean and when they do say something meaningful and heartfelt it's all lies. Well they had to be lies seeing as he's found another girl to fuck. Well I hope they are happy together and that it lasts long. It means that there is a good reason not to go to each others houses, for something to happen. Well something always happens when we go to his. I won't elaborate, you can pretty much work it out.... Ergh, I just felt to ill when I found out, gawd I hate the net >.< 

Ho hum... life's a bitch and I should get over it, and as he told me, "I want you to heal". It's difficult to heal a broken heart and ripped confidence, but it's so much easier to rebuild defences and barriers. It's much easier. I know I will probably end up being more distant to some people but if it means that "I'll heal" then whatever... I don't even know what the fuck that even means!!! There is no point in healing it if it will get broken again. I was stupid and naive. But at least I've made him agree not to talk to her about me untill I leave for uni. He's talked to me about his ex'es and I don't want him talking about me like that whilst I'm still around y'know? He just knows too many things about me. I couldn't care less if he slanders my name once I'm gone, I'll be too busy to care. Ergh. Who am I kidding. I will always care. Anyone fancy slapping me silly so I can finally snap out of it?

xxLMxx

wow so the bumbling baffons actually won something!!

"I want to adjust the depth of my control rod in your reactor core to alter the speed of our reaction"

Doing revision of nuclear stuff was so worth it to get a line like that. I feel very proud of myself (yes my life is that fulfilling at the moment that I find something dirty in nuclear physics). But yes, for those that don't know/care control rod depth controls the rate of fission reactions in a nuclear reactor. It's probably on wikipedia if you're cool and check it out (or simply have time on your hands, that would be my excuse anyway). 

Well, I found it funny anyway....

So the overplayed "sports men" actually won something! At least the money they are being paid can be justified. Actually, no. Scrap that. They are still a waste of money, the stupid overpaid bumbling baffons.... I mean, I'm sorry but they really don't need all that money, I mean a book on spelling "simple maths for KS2" or "learning to read" really doesnt cost that much. And how hard is it to run with the ball and score!? I really can't comment on that though- I'm an asthmatic. But it takes so much more training to shoot a gun and train for the army and how much are they being paid? Now compare that with salaries of "talented" footballers. 

So the toll of British soldiers dead reached 300 now. Well thats not as high as people are making it out to be. Open your eyes you stupid polititians! How many people have been seriously injured/lost limbs/sacrificed everything. Too many. And what do they get in return? A gracious kick in the teeth. Yes the dead should be honoured, but do not forget the brocken ones that have been cast aside. Mourn them as well, as the majority cannot do again what they have done to protect your fat cat arses. This whole shabang makes me angry and its draining but I am in such awe of these men. Those that live to tell the tale, though especially those who cannot carry on the story, have given up so much. Now it's our turn to to repay them. Thats a debt that the government will find difficult to repay. 

xxLMxx

A new talent discovered!

"..."No time for goodbyes", he said, as he faded away. "Don't put your life in someone's hands, they're bound to steal it away. Don't hide your mistakes, 'cause they'll find you, burn you alive"..."

The talent? Screwing things over for friends relationship. All I was trying to do was to be there for them, and try and help. It's not fault, you interpreted it how you did...and so now I have the right to feel like shit. 

Right, what happened was this; friend 1 wrote on "I'm bored" as his fb status (thrilling stuff I know, its sat me on the edge of my seat -.-' ) I wrote saying well do my chem revision- I had a bitch of an exam the next day. The convo carried on, and I was letting off a lot of stressful steam. I admit the convo was a lil bit flirty to those that don't know me very well, but  we were both mucking about, like we do, and I have absolutely no romantic inclination towards him. His gf saw this and bought it up and was telling him how flirty it sounded. They started to fight and she got upset. Further status' were not happy ones. I asked what was up (I had no idea that this was because of me because I was simply being myself). We started talking on chat and she accused me of flirtling and all I could do was reasure her that was not my intention and she mentioned the fact that they had fought over this. I decided to send him a private message saying that he shouldn't be mad at heer, see it from her point of view etc and that you can talk to me if you want to blah blah blah. So at the same time as I was talking to her, I was also talking to him. At the end I exhanged no with both of them. yesterday eve, I sent him a text asking if all was ok now. He texted back, and it turned out that apparently I had given him the right no, and her the wrong one (although she could have taken i down wrong who knows, so obv, I took the blame) she was pissed at me that I hadn't replied to her text which she sent (I had never gotten any) and apparently they had fought again because they were together when I sent the message and she didn't know where he had gotten my no from. To top it all, she also didn't know that I was also messaging him, and so she gets more stressed more paranoid etcetc. So inorder to prove that there was nothing going on between us I had to sent her the entire convo I had with him.

Gawd some people need to relax a little! But at least she is strong enough to voice her opinion. I am not. I have to voice them on here instead...not that thats a bad thing, I'm just not a very confrontational person. At least those two can fight for each other, to be together. Me and L couldn't do that. If he didn't like something he broke it off. Whenever we expressed our love, either written, said or other, a few weeks later we would have broken up then a week later we were back together. We just don't know how to fight for each other. I really did try, but I'm not strong enough, I can never find the energy. So maybe we weren't suited for each other, maybe our feelings were lying to us and we were never ment to be... This is why I don't like feeling. Feeling ensures that my heart is left in the gutter, and I don't have it in me to pick it up and look after it anymore. I just need to repair my inner defences as best I can, and make sure that no-one can find the existing cracks.

Also what confuses me, is that people of the same sex can have dirty jokes, banter, whatever really, but as soon as you swap one for the opposite sex, things are immediately different, insecurities become apparent. I don't think I am threatening at all, I just like a good laugh is all, is that such a crime!? o.O I should just shut up and not say anything to anyone anymore, maybe I will make a really shit councellor, and so should burn that idea... It seems whenever I open my fat gob, everything goes tits up.

On a happier note though, I got my conch done on sat, that totals nine peircings :)

xxLMxx

Confessions

• I hate confessions (I'm a R.C. wtf I know)
• I'm scared about lots of things even though I appear the opposite to people.
• I'm terrified of spiders
• I'm scared of rejection
• I'm scared of failing, from computer games to my exams to my family...
• I can be a difficult person to read, yet I am trusted by so many people
• I find it very difficult to open up - it's different opening up to the faceless internet, compared with people
• I'm a little addicted to peircings. I currently have 8, and have got 4/5 more planned for when I earn money
• I find it difficult to trust others though earn trust easily
• I'm frightened about not getting over L and not being able to move on
• I'm scared I'm not strong enough for people
• I want my own loving family with a loving husband and a few kids
• I would love to becoune a trained councellor
• I have contemplated suicide, though I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it
• I tend to wallow in self-pity 
• I loath myself sometimes
• I love harcerstwo, though I dont have any energy left to fight, so I'm glad I'm not going on zlot
• I worry constantly about fitting in with friends
• I feel more comfortable exchanging crass comments with my guy friends than talking to my girl mates about clothes/guys/make-up
• I love coaching althletics. It brings me such enjoyment when 'my' athletes succeed where I have failed
• I don't have the energy to fight with people though I do have the energy to keep pushing myself
• I always put myself down
• I always think the worst will happen in situations/in peoples replies, just to I can feel the rush of happiniess when things go right
• I am very insecure
• I always think about what I could have done to make things better (my situation with L/harcerskie zbiorki/athletics sessions) and so I fail to see where I went right
• I am terrified of being alone
• I ramble too often...

xxLMxx

What's the use in hope? I want action...

"So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head, I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead, I know what's best for me, But I want you instead, I'll keep on wasting all my time..."

Pahah wow I sound pathetic don't I?

And I suppose I am... Well to an extent? Ah who am I kidding. I mean, for goodness sake, I cut it off for good with my good friend (with benefits) because I had hope. Yes, the feeling hope. Ok, so this friend (with benefit) was my on-off boyfriend of 6/7 months and we did have pretty amazing chemistry. Well this time, I got hope because we spent 3 hrs 'together' even though we aren't a couple and I was told that we just couldn't be after exams and shit. And I thought, well this feels soo good and so right then why not, what could go wrong. Ha. It was on the train home that I started thinking that maybe there was a chance of us again later on. Well, that aint gonna happen is it, regardless of it feeling right and near perfect... I can't be a little bit more than friends but less than an official 'item' and feel detatched. That's just not me! I'm too attatched and that feeling won't be reciprocated out loud again, so I have to get out, it's choking me...

Gawd. I mean, it's amazing want the term boyfriend/girlfriend does to ya. As soon as you interchange them with the phrase 'friends with benefits' everything changes. But the thing is, WHF? You still do all the same stuff together, hang out etcetc, yet, something happens, and why is that? Is it because now suddenly the feeling of detachment can be intoduced, and you can still eye up the opposite sex without the guilty feeling? I thought of myself capable, but clearly I'm not. There are somethings I can't handle, and detatchment in an intimate relationship is something I just can't hack. Does this mean I would be a good girlfriend for future guys, or that I will just be hurt over and over. I didn't think I was this fragile (in emotional terms) but obviously I am, and how I wish I were a stronger person.

Haha, thinking back now, most of these entries are full of crap about me feeling sorry for myself. I really don't feel like this all the time, trust me. I guess, it's just easier to write down things that are getting me down on here and then I can sort them out much easier. I mean even now, after writing this babble, I'm feeling better and less, well, pessimistic.

But, for you readers, I will stop beating myself up as much and will drag my sorry ass out of this pit of self-deprication (yes I am capable of long words heheh) and will dump it onto the road of self-worth and strength (along side a little sadness due to forthcoming exams, then again, who feel happiness towards them!?).

So yes, for now, my task is to think positive (or at least more so) and to sprint over the hurdles that are exams and revision. I think thats enough to be getting on with don't you think?

xxLMxx

P.S. becoming a nun...too drastic an action for avoiding the confusion that is men??

You feel like giving up... but what's the point?

"I wake up in the mornin', Put on my face, The one that's gonna get me, Through another day,Doesn't really matter, How I feel inside, This life is like a game sometimes. Then you came around me, The walls just dissapeared, Nothin' to surround me, Keep me from my fears, I'm unprotected, See how I've opened up(oh), You've made me trust..."

I don't know how many of you remember that song, but I find it really strikes a chord, especially with all the goings on around me this past year in particular. It's quite sad actually how much I can relate to this song, just reading it makes me feel, not nescessarily one emotion. Just makes me feel.... Honestly, I don't like feeling too much. It makes me feel vunerable. So, by feeling numb (-er) and indifferent helps heal whats been broken. It's just frustrating when the wounds are pulled apart gently allowing yourself to feel again by someone you hold close, and then are just left gaping, the reason being "..so I'm stopping it while it's ahead...I'm just saving you from the hurting and pain..before can rebuild it all over again:)"

Damn you so much. I learned to trust others, myself even, and now I daren't  trust even myself anymore, in case I once again trip and fall hard. Maybe if I don't then I wont hurt myself or others that I've learned to trust and vice versa. But that could result in blocking people off altogether. Do I really want to emilinate friends? Does it even bother me much that I could be losing people already due to silence/one-way communication with them? Well to the former, I honestly don't think it bothers me. To the latter, well, I truley talk to people if they show an honest interest or if they really seem to care about what I think. I can listen without a grugde to any one of my friends. It's when they can't even be bothered to persist in finding out about whatever is goining on in my life. I suppose this means that I unconciously scrutanise each possible good friend, sifting the wheat from the chaff, the good from the bad. I can't help it, it's how I've always been, a form of self-protection I guess. 

And so now, I return to rebuilding by defences (and to the dread/horror that is chemistry), knowing full well that what I do is not in the best intrest of building a great social web, but knowing it is in the best interest of my heart and sanity.

xxLMxx

P.S. for those of you that don't remember, the song is Naked, by Avril Lavigne.

Let's Bake!!

"You were all the things I thought I knew and I thought we could be. You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it."

I'm so proud of myself! I actually revised chemistry for 4 hours! o.O I know, what is this world coming to!? And then I kinda gave up and baked a cake... Yes, that's right. A victoria sponge with the addition of choc chips and glace cherries- nomnomnom

Well it's my friends birthday tomorow and no-one else volunteered (surfuckingprise) so I decided I would be kind and make one. It was so much fun, much better than thermodynamic calculations!

Aaaaanywhoo... I'm so bored of revision and I can't wait untill exams are over. Then I can rest easy. It would also mean that 10 days later my cast would come off my leg and can start reusing that foot to walk. I live in hope... Man, things breaking and not healing properly is the story of my life. I'm just glad that at least my foot is healing, if nothing else. Ho hum...

Oh, remember me mentioning about people not getting back to you? Ha. Maybe I have high hopes and expectations of people. Well at least I know I can count on some people. Thats what gives me hope for others.

I really should stop rambling about nonsence. But if I did that, what would there be to write about, the weather? Although I would love a thunderstorm, it's too muggy at the mo. Hahaa and I'm off again, so I will stop for mow and will sign off.

Thank you to those who do give me hope though, it's much appreciated :)

xxLMxx

Procrastination is an art form...

"Today, we took a test in Calculus. I finished early, and instead of putting away the school's calculator, I spent the next 15 minutes typing the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody into it. I wish I could've seen the look on the face of the next kid who used it. MLIA"

We all love to waste a bit of time. I perhaps do it a little too often. For instance there could be some really interesting chemistry I could be re-learning or learning about electromagnetism. Or perhaps the wonder that is photosynthesis... Lets take some time to ponder this...

..

..

Erm, I think not. This in itself is not good. I mean I should have 'the fear' by now, but no. I have shit loads of revision to be doing before the 16th, yet I find my self drawn to the website where the above quote was taken. I mean.. A2's in TWELVE DAYS...the effort. I should be scared now, but I'm not. What's wrong with me!? *sigh*

Also, how hard is it to say hello?? Or to send a text or write a quick e-mail? I mean, I thought we were good friends. Granted they could be busy with work or a social life or family, yet I have time to send a few e-mails, a few texts to keep in touch with them. Or is there something unwritten that says that I have to call all the shots, that I have to make all the effort in keeping contact with friends? For instance, I recently sent a dear friend a CD in the post. He likes the band but hasn't gotten round to buying the CD, so I made him a copy and sent it to him. True, he may have bought it anytime between our last conversation and now. Yet what makes me sad is that not a word of thanks. He has had time to update his facebook status, but a simple thank you text/e-mail/fb wall post cannot be sent. Also, you make friends, good friends, all the time. Well, seem to make. The Polish saying "prawdziwich przyjaciol poznaje sie w biedzie" (you make real friends in your lowest moments) rings so very true. Look back to your lowest, remind yourself whom was there for you. Those are the people you shouldn't lose. I certainly know who I'm not going to lose. Maybe a clearout is needed. From the metaphorical, mental, to the real sort, even deleting 'friends' from you facebook. Be true to yourself but dont be too ruthless, some can still be useful.

Dang. Maybe, the value of friendship really has decreased. But that I refuse to accept. Although nowadays, much of friendship consists of "__is friends with__" on facebook or some other networking site. Numbers may be impressive and talk about your social status, but do we really care that someone that was in your yeargroup and have never spoken "got completly wasted last night. woke up in the road LOL!" I just don't give a fuck *remove from friends list* People are just lazy, and so true friendship exists no more. What a world we live in eh? 

Ah well. Back to non-revison revising. The joy that brings into my heart. Naaaat...

xxLMxx

A fresh start??

"What you've got boy is hard to find, Think about it all about it all the time, I'm all strung up my heart is fried, I just can't get you off my mind"

And my mind really should be full of physics equations, chemical mechanisms and biology stuff, and not full of things to do to you. Dayum boy....;) Ah well, it makes for a nice distraction. Well like the whole bank holiday weekend... I really should have been revising hard, but instead went to 3 different shopping centers buying lots of gorgeous underwear from Ann Summers lol. I feel bit bad but hey, underwear never fails to cheer me up.

*sigh* I feel much lighter now though. Had a big rant at L. and now I feel so much better, like a massive wieght has been lifted off my shoulders. And so, all is good, everything has been mopped up (well almost) and I feel so much beeter, with a bit more energy- who'd have thought! Each day seems a lil' better than the last although it is raining today.

Friday was a great day. I got the all clear from the hospital. Well not quite all clear, but I got told that my break is healing at last, and so now I can wieght bare(sp). And the best news? It is coming off in 6 weeks!!!

People might think that I'm really stupid for forgiving him so easily and returning to what we were, a couple, yet it feels so right and so good to be with him. But you know what, screw other people. I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else.

On a side note, which should I get done first? Small tattoo of the egyptian symbol 'sa', a conch piercing, or a belly piercing? Please comment....

xxLMxx

New Beginnings? maybe...

"I found myself in wonderland. Get back on my feet again. Is this real? Is this pretend? I'll take a stand until the end. I'll get by, I'll survive"

I realised that I probably sound really sorry for myself, and quite pathetic really. And I am, I mean cant even tell people what's on my mind. Am I really that spineless that I let people walk all over me? Unfortunately yes. I know how that sounds, but acceptance is one of the steps to recovery I guess. I find it difficult to express myself verbally to people and so I guess writing it down on here helps me. I admit that if I find fault in my friends or if they really bug me, then I do nothing "I'll get by". I find that I only deal with things when they become too much.

Are they becoming too much now? Because my feeling are so mixed at the moment. Yes I still feel really hurt, yet... Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused because I still love him? Or don't want him to give up completely without a fight? During a conversation last night, he said he wasn't going to take me back again, he wasn't going to give himself to anyone ever again because he fuck's it all up apparently. I admit I felt sick. Is that because I might never be with him again, because I still love him? Or is it because the security of being in a safe and secure relationship is now gone.

During our several months together, we had broken up a handful of times, each time getting back because it felt right to be together. He says it was his fault each time, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm a forgiving and understanding person. But I'm not confontational. I'm just not able to say whats on my mind, I find it easier to listen to others and aid them. I can't aid myself. I believe it's because of this inability for me to talk about my problems - to stand up fr myself even, that these breaks occured. He needs someone strong and someone who can stand u for themselves, not someone who is spineless and gutless. In that case should probably let him go but... But, that stupid word, signalling an unfinished thought, and my mind is full of those. Even when I have enough courage to speak about whats bothering, I keep stuttering and stumbling over my words occassionally bursting into tears, so it seems like whatever is bothering me seems much, much greater. In fact I'm probably doing this now, making a mountain out of a mole hill... I mean he probably finds it frustrating, like he's running round in circles and that he has to tread softly in fear of me crying again. I can't help it that I do. I care too much about things, I'm far too soft and nee dhardening up. Hence, he needs someone stronger, so maybe it's a good thing we won't be together, but the 'never' still makes me feel queasy. I don't need this right now, I mean I have my A2's in a few weeks!! GAH!

T.T I dont have the energy any more. But I've got to find enough so that I stop feeling so sorry for myself.

Here's to a new start eh?

xxLMxx

The fool I am

"Since day we broke up I know it was a bad choice I never should have made, I always push people away I love dearly and never ever learnt how to deal with it, and I love you so damn much...coz you mean everything to me, I can see us two fucking growing old and I miss and care for you so much that I dont know what I'll do with out you..."

Oh I think we both now know what you'd do.

I was an idiot to believe...

powerful emtions at play

Well at least I know the tarot card has some truth in it.... Not that I really want it too, but what you want to happen and what actually happens are two very different things.

My last entry ended with me saying I dont want to be hurt by someone I love. Well that didn't last long. So, the title of my blog; no 1- tick, no 2- waiting, again. I had been healed with words before, the wound healed and fixed with stitches. But stitches are temporary, with the wound being too easy to re-open, and the pain returns. I just dont have any energy left, any fight left in me. I realise that this time the new pain might not have been my own doing, but it feels like it was my fault. If... if... God, that stupid word! I hate hindsight so much. It tears me up inside.

And there is nothing I can do about it. I mean, I can hardly forget about it and move on. My support and offer of help of any kind has been made clear, but I dont know how much I can handle, I don't think I'm strong enough for them let alone myself.

I'm trying not to sound so sorry for myself, believe me. Writing shit helps me understand things so I apologise to you for having to trail through all this shit...

And so on that I will shut up and leave you be. I just wish this pain and sadness will leave too... Here's to hope.

xxLMxx

unseen fears....

"There is a purpose in beauty. If the world were purely functional, it would have no purpose, because it would merely exist to sustain its own pointless existance. But since the world is a beautiful place, it has meaning. The world was created to be beautiful to please its Creator, who is Himself a truly wonderful being."

Yes, it has a meaning, but why is it that we can never tell what this is? Its because of beauty that we make both good and bad choices. And I guess that that is the purpose of life, making decisions that can settle on either side. Learning from both the good and the bad means that, in turn, we can ultimately become better people. In my case I wish it were so. I'm not trying to be pessimistic on purpose or trying to get sympathy, it's simply how I feel. Everything I do leads to some sort of loss in comunication with others. Well you'd have thought that 2 years of friendship would have ment something to some. I guess not, seeing as me calling her name whilst being direcly infront of her didn't evoke a single reaction. Ok, ok, 2 years isnt that long... how about several. Yes, people change, but surely one person doesnt change so much that eveeryone remeins close friends and yet you are the one being ignored and such.

What a wonderful world we live in...hmmm....of this I have to be convinced fully. I can convince others successfully, my advise being tailored for them well, yet, why can't I convince myself? For example if my best friend is having trouble with her man, then I have no problem sitting down with her for hours on end , talking and helping in any way I can. So why is it I can't sit down and help, well, me? Try as I might though, me telling myself that someone did not reply a goodnight text because they probably had no credit is somehow not working.

Also why is it that when you trust somone fully, with your life, yet you are still scared of fully letting go again. I have many fears, most of which are along the lines of being abandoned by those who you love or being hurt badly by them. I have been hurt, and so maybe thats why I'm scared. Yet being reasured calms the mind yet the heart is still restless and seeks more. I just want to get rid of the feeling of being scared. Only time can help I guess, as well as those few thought out and meaningful words.

xxLMxx

...tricky stuff...

A wise person wrote; "hmmmm just think.. people say words cant hurt you ect.. but they sure can change things .. like saying.. you have a job.. will you marry me.. will you go out with me.. why can words have that much power just by saying things.. because just think if you say things to someone eveyone has a little bit of power to just make or break people :)" Well he's quite wise and also very right. One word can make the world of difference, like 'I love you' or 'I hate you'. One change, one whole new meaning. But it's not just one word, its also the entire sequence of words too. English really is a wonderful language. So many yet so few words really make it count. They also make things awfully confusing.

It pains me to think about the number of times where my use of these words has hurt people badly. Last year for instance, I said yes to a guy that asked me out. First mistake. I say this because I had never met the guy before. A tip for those who read this; avoid dating people you have just met at parties, especially if your feeling a bit desperate. Well, actually looking back, I didnt ask for him to follow me outside when I said I needed air after 20 min of manic dancing! Well, that was a successful relationship....hmm. Yes I did hurt him badly, I never knew the words 'look I dont feel comfortable anymore with us going out, please can we be friends' could wound people deeply. From that one reaction, I have become wiser with my choice of words, but I still cannot properly forgive myself this...

Also it's interesting how people choose their moments. Friends are great healers, and some may become so much more. But then it gets slightly wierd if lots want to be that more. Men are like buses. Though in this case, none in sight for years, then they all arrive at once. Not great. Though I count myself lucky. I chose the right guy.

Though things start getting to the confusing part when good friends start expressing interest as soon as you decide to take a breather. The fact that these feeling come out thick and fast and then are never mentioned again, hang on what!? What am I even supposed to say to that, erm thanks, but I don't even like you in that way we are friends and could only be friends? That just wouldn't do. Being that blunt would cut someone to pieces, especially someone who has been cut time and time again by girls. Well, that puts me in a wonderful position. One with my arm tied behind my back. I really shouoldn't ignore this, but I can't start a conversation with, 'the last time we spoke, you came out with all these feelings for me, but the last time we saw each other was October, and we've only met twice. I can't do this it just isnt right'. Hmm I'm sure that would go down a treat... Contined silence or out with it straight? I ask you for advice for either way it would cause pain and pain I dont want to be the cause of...

Though at least tomorow is a day to look forward to. My mans birthday and my decision said out loud. I said I dont want to be the cause of pain, but I admit I have been. I offloaded insecurities, writing reams in a text- a personal release. A release it was, into the world of sent messages. And I think you can guess to whom. We both find it hard to let people in and start pulling away when people get tooclose- a technique learned and previously tested. But by pulling away, somehow we found us moving even closer than before, becoming happier and happier every time. This makes our relationship seem so fragile, but to me the fragility makes it seem even more special, even more beautiful. The quote was from this very man. For him, the words please take me back mean the world to me and yet I feel the need to make him wait for my decision. Is this cruel or the right thing to do, ensuring the right decision is made, though in my heart, it would forever be the right decision. The simple words 'i do' can make this right. So so right.

I have faith in this.

xxLMxx